Brene’ Brown, said that you can never love others more than you love yourself; not even our children. As I sit and let that thought thump around in my brain for a while another thought develops. I think if it’s their life or mine on the line then without question I choose their life to protect. But if it’s in the day to day stuff that most of us deal with then perhaps Brene’ is right. She provides an example of a child coming home from school upset because no one sat with her at lunch. This event triggers in mom unconscious feelings of when she felt left out of the group at school and so responds to her daughter by saying something about combing her hair and dressing better.

Mom had never processed her own thoughts of self-blame and feelings of being unlovable. Therefore, she was unable to demonstrate to her daughter unconditional love in that instance. Now, I believe, if someone were to have asked mom in this instance if she loved her daughter unconditionally she would without hesitation say yes. And if mom had been able to slow down the process she would have absolutely responded with a hug acknowledging hurt feelings and said, “you are perfect the way you are whether or not the others in your class recognize it.”

Maybe this example doesn’t resonant with you but there are a thousand of other scenarios where this could absolutely play out. And it doesn’t just play out in our relationships with our children but in all of our relationships.

Where does this sense of love and belonging originate? For most of us, it is imperfectly played out in our families of origin. But as none of our predecessors have experienced perfect unconditional love they were unable to demonstrate such a love to us. And we are unable to perfectly demonstrate it to those with whom we are in relationship. So, again, where does this sense of love and belonging originate in our individual lives?

For me, it’s recognizing that I am loved by a God that sent his Son to die so that I might choose to accept the love he unconditionally provides me. It’s believing that this God that sent his Son knows me so well that he can tell me how many hairs are on my head at any given moment (Luke 12:7 NIV®). It’s knowing that God knows when I’m being productive and when I’m being unproductive; He knows when my thoughts drift away from him (Psalm 139:2 NLT). Yet, he says “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3) whether anyone else chooses to sit with you at lunch or not.

So when that ugly feeling of being unloveable wells up inside of me causing me to lash out at others, I will work to slow down the process and remind myself that I am loved regardless of what is going on around or in me.