Month: September 2015

When you’ve been a disappointment

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Forgiveness, Grace, Responsibility, Self CareLeave a comment
tiger swallowtail on a yellow lantana.
Photo by Dr. Martin LaBar

It’s easy to let someone’s expectations of us affect our self-esteem.  If our self-esteem is determined by what others think of us, we are likely to be on a roller coaster ride of emotions.  But as the caterpillar is transformed into a beautiful butterfly, so too are we.

What do we do when others are disappointed in us? We typically withdraw, lash out or quietly take it while our minds race with “how dare they” types of thoughts.  But could there be another way of dealing with it?

Certainly, a self-examination to see if there is a valid reason for someone to be disappointed is a first step.  When we have truly let someone down,  withdrawing or lashing out at them only makes us appear immature. Unfortunately, it may be the automatic defense mechanism that activates when we feel “less than.”  It seems more comfortable to give the other person a litany of reasons why we failed which really only serves to minimize our role or to avoid responsibility.  Which in turns leaves the other person feeling unheard or criticized and robs us of the opportunity to regain their respect.  The simplest response would be to admit failure.  It is what it is.  No one is perfect. Reminding ourselves that we are more than this one failure.

Sometimes people are disappointed with us due to their own unmet needs.  It’s unlikely that they are going to be able to recognize that their disappointment  has anything to do with them.  Our reaction though has everything to do with us.  Again a time of self-evaluation is in order.  What we often find is the root cause of our poor response can be found in low self-esteem.

A right view of who we are comes from realizing that “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8 NIV).  Meaning before we even had “it” together, Christ sought us out and wanted us to spend eternity with him.  Beyond that (as if that isn’t enough) the Bible is rich in the historical account of those who have failed and, yet, God saw fit to use in spite of their failures.

Moses is a prime example.  Exodus tells us of Moses failing his adoptive family and his people, the Israelites.  He lashed out in anger and retreated to the wilderness in fear.  I suspect that he was a confused man who was severely disappointed with himself.  When God first called Moses, Moses hid his face (Ex. 3).  In Exodus 4 Moses fears that the Israelites wouldn’t listen to him and he says that he is slow of speech.  Even though Moses was raised in the palace, nothing in him exudes self-confidence.  Going forward in Moses life, the Israelites frequently turned against him, expressing their disappointment with him (Numbers 14).  In Numbers 20, Moses does fail and will be prevented from seeing the Promised Land because of it. Yet God used him, in spite of his failures and the failures of the Israelites.  Moses didn’t always get it right.  Yet as he grew in faith he learned to deal with those who criticized him and wanted him stoned. He frequently interceded for them, even to offering his life for theirs (Exodus 32, Numbers 14, 16, & 21).  Moses was an ordinary person who was able to do extraordinary things in spite of other’s disappointment with him.  Every day is an opportunity for you to be extraordinary.

The Struggle Continues 4

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Health livingLeave a comment

canstockphoto3876862Healthy living, is a day to day almost moment by moment conscious effort. It takes thoughtful planning and deliberate awareness.  It’s an effort to remember the why for making these changes.  Hopefully it is about being a good steward of your health and well-being and not about body image!

Stepping on a scale may not be an accurate picture of physical well-being.  Sure it can give an objective tracking tool but most doctors will tell you that weight is not the measure of health.  Itis, however, something the media has trained us to use as a healthy image.  Being physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy is a little more abstract which tends to make it hard to track.

As I have been continuing to make this a priority in my life I’ve had to make this an ongoing conscious priority.  Which means making myself a priority.  As mentioned in earlier posts, this seems selfish and counterintuitive to what most of us have learned.  I have to constantly remind myself that taking care of me is not selfish but instead can be very selfless as I recognize that I can give more of myself to others when I’m truly at my best.

So our struggle continues.

Nutritionally. Trying to avoid empty calories has proven helpful.  Being more plan-ful by having healthy foods on hand and dcanstockphoto7252678eveloping a night before routine of packing food for the next day can make the difference between success and defeat.   Packing/Preparing a variety of healthy items such as smoothies, almonds, fruit, milk, including sources of protein for the day rather than eating 3 larger meals may work better for some people.  With today’s busy lifestyles, developing “grazing habits” may lead to a healthier nutritional lifestyle.

Physical activity may prove difficult due to time constraints.  Actively making it a part of every day may again take planning but it may also mean taking advantage of those unexpicture provided by Jennifer Tatropected cancelations by going for a walk or doing a quick work out when unexpected open times present themselves.  Reminding yourself that if the time hadn’t opened up you wouldn’t have been doing the gazillion other things that are racing through your mind, anyway.

Sleep seems to be very difficult for many individuals.  More and more people are being diagnosed with sleep disorders.  Taking sleeping medication is not always canstockphoto24888480helpful because by the time you realize that it is going to be a sleepless night, it’s too late to take anything.  Waking up groggy after taking sleeping medication may be another deterrent.  Understanding Circadian Rhythm has proven very helpful for some but often understanding your Circadian Rhythm is not enough.  You need to establish a good sleep hygiene routine which focuses on set bed/arise times.

Recognizing automatic thoughts that enter so quickly but deplete any motivation we may have had is imperative.  Once you identify these automatic thoughts you can challenge them.

The other difficulty is committing to “just do it.”  Again, as mentioned in earlier posts trying to set smaller achievable goals may be much more beneficial than long-term goals that seem overwhelming.

For all of you joining me in this battle-

One small baby step today just may lead to more steps tomorrows

The tension between faith and community

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn balancing faith, Grace, ResponsibilityLeave a comment
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Photo by Bentley McQuinn

Most of us really struggle with the tension between trying to stay true to our Christian values and living in community with the larger society.   We tend to either come off as hate mongers or people with no back bone.  Can there be a balance?  Where is the line in the sand? I must admit that this hit home for me a few weeks ago when during our weekly fellowship following church, someone came
up to me all upset and informed me that an older gentleman had told a younger gentleman
that he was going to hell!  I was flabbergasted!  It is also not uncommon for someone outside my church to tell me the “sins” of the people attending our church.  Or to hear from outsiders that the people attending our church are no better than they are as if that is suppose to shock me.  Is it really any different than what Jesus experienced??

First, to balance this tension it’s important to know what you believe.  Far too many people in the faith community think they understand their beliefs but yet far too few engage in group Bible Studies and tend to focus on one or two tenets of their faith. Going to church and listening to your pastor or the television preacher on Sunday morning  is not enough. Some have focused their learning and studying in isolation.  Meaning they may be very disciplined at church attendance or doing their own Bible Study but without the active participation in their own faith community they are often left with a one-sided view.  We tend to hear/read/study those things with which we agree.  What that means is that we are only looking for those things that support our beliefs.  Joining a Bible study group allows you the opportunity to hear from others and, if there is a good facilitator, allows the group to expand their understanding without falling victim to heresy or factions.  Hearing your pastor say the job of the Christian is to ‘spread the good news’ is interpreted differently for different people.  For some spreading the good news means to tell someone they are on the road to hell.  For others, it means accepting the sin with the person.  Whatever “spreading the good news” means to you is how you will interpret and act on what you hear.  As one of my Bible profs used to say “the pendulum swings truest when it swings in the middle.”

Belonging to a denomination is helpful.  Not that you must belong to a denomination to be saved but identifying with a denomination provides you with basic doctrinal statements that may help guide your understanding of Scripture. This isn’t blind following.  It’s increasing understanding through the reasoning powers that God gives.  Some people have turned their backs on organized religion saying that the leaders have failed or due to feeling restrained by these doctrinal statements.  Some even justify it by saying that Jesus wasn’t part of a denomination.  That is like saying the various political parties aren’t American.  They all started through one governmental system just as all Christian denominations started through Jesus (Malachi 2:10; John 17:21).  We are allowed the freedom to bring our different interpretations of doctrine but being part of a denomination helps to prevent truth decay by having scholars that with the help of the Holy Spirit search through the Scriptures to increase understanding. I don’t know about you but I know I need these scholars who have studied and prayed about the tenets of faith far more than I ever could.  When I don’t understand their point of view, I seek out “wise counsel” (Prov. 11:14, 12:15, 15:22, 28:26).  Going off on my own and taking a little from this sect or that sect only serves to produce a “me-ism” religion allowing for a lot of truth decay only exonerated through a painful root canal.

As Christians, we are called to “love one another” (John 13:34; 1 John 4:7, 12; Rom. 13:8; Isaiah 58) and to share our faith with one another (2 Cor. 9:13).  And this is likely where most of the tension comes in.  For all Christians who accept the challenge to share Christ with others the goal is to love one another.  How that plays out in day to day life though can look very different.  For some, loving one another can mean telling those we come in contact with that they are on a road to destruction.  For others, it means accepting the person with the sin.  Both sides feel they are right.  I fear, in our passion to be “true” to Christ, lines are being drawn within the Christian community causing division amongst brothers and sisters in Christ.  I cringe when I hear T.V. Christian personalities spewing hate in exchange for ratings.  I get angry with these “Christians” who have bought into the idea that the more hateful someone pronounces the “other side” the more God fearing these personalities are portrayed.  In our zealousness to prove our love for Him, we often push people away by exhibiting a judgmental attitude that is not in keeping with Christ’s attitude towards us.  For this group, it is often easier to accept grace than to give grace forgetting that they were once on the other-side. Statistics show that those who come to faith out of fear rarely remain in the faith .9/11 statistics).

The other side of the pendulum though is just as dangerous.  Sweeping sin under the carpet in “the name of Christ’s love” is just as wrong.  There is sin and we are accountable for living out that truth by sprinkling a little salt now and then (Col. 4:2-6; Matt 5:13, Titus 1:9).  To focus only on God’s love leads just as quickly to truth decay as focusing only on God’s judgement. I cringe just as much when I hear Christians down playing the truth of God’s judgement with an anything goes doctrine. I’ve also been on the receiving end of being told “well, if you’re a Christian you have to love someone regardless of their actions.”  Yes, I have to love them but I don’t have to allow myself to be their doormat.  Acting in love may simply mean that you don’t retaliate or cause them harm when the opportunity presents itself which in itself is a great lesson.  Living out our faith means loving everyone and sharing the truth of the gospel by helping them to see that God has another plan for their lives that will bring more purpose and fulfillment then anything they could ever imagine.

Balancing the tension between sharing our faith honestly and fully loving those who have a different belief system than we do is impossible without the help of the Holy Spirit.  Our part is to get rid of the “me” and tcanstockphoto8223372o allow more of Christ to come through.  I’ve come to recognize that, at least for me, if I am eager to confront someone with the “truth” then it probably has more to do with me then with Christ.  But if in the pit of my stomach I cringe from approaching someone with Christ’s truth it just might be Christ prompting me.  The opposite could also be true.   Examining ourselves with the following questions might help us to understand the why behind our actions:

  1.   Am I trying to earn my way to heaven by “winning souls”?
  2.   Am I trying to earn my way to heaven by my obedience/performance?
  3.   Am I trying to win favor by being accepted by a certain group (namely a  church leader/group of Christian friends)?
  4.   Am I trying to “cover a multitude of my sins” by converting another to Christ”

By recognizing that we don’t earn God’s favor by how we perform, what other’s think about us, or who we know, that we are freely given God’s love by accepting Christ’s death on the cross as our punishment for our sins will, hopefully, help us to balance the tension of sharing our faith in love.   Romans 1218 says “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”   Ecclesiastes 7:18  says “It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other.  Whoever fears God will avoid all extremes.”  Pray that the tension between sharing your faith in grace and truth never goes away for if it does we are likely leaning too far one way or the other.