Ever have one of those stop and think kind of encounters. That happened to me today. I was running late and was frustrated with myself because I had forgotten to pick up the “treasures” for our Children’s Church Treasure Hunt happening this morning. I considered making out little coupons saying you are entitled to a treasure next week. However, since I drive right past the Dollar Store on my way to church, I made a last minute decision to turn in to the parking lot and go on a quick treasure hunt of my own. Not sure exactly what I’m looking for but I know that I sort of have a loose rule that candy and junk shouldn’t be rewards for children and was fighting with myself regarding just picking up a bag of lollipops or some sour worms that I’m sure the children would have eagerly thought was a treasure. As I’m quickly walking towards the children’s book aisle, my eyes spot a row of a variety of different flashcards (division, addition, colors, words, etc). I make another split minute decision to grab a bunch of them, after all they’re educational and not candy or junk. I’m feeling pretty good thinking I made a great score!! Walking up to the checkout, I notice that there is no one there and immediately become frustrated thinking I was going to stand at the checkout for a while waiting for the cashier to notice me. The young lady shows up at the check out and slowly gets all the bags prepared to take the new found treasures. While she’s carefully arranging these bags, I’m hard at work trying to fight the urge to let her know that I’m in a bit of hurry. I mean, really, couldn’t she tell by how fast I had been walking and although I was in my polite businesslike zone shouldn’t she have known that I was on a mission. Well, she slowly looks at each box of flash cards and runs them through the register one by one. After running a few through she stops and REALLY looks at a box and runs it through again. Well, being the very attentive shopper that I am, I notice that she’s not putting anything in the bag. She calmly looks at me holds up a box of Winnie the Pooh cards and says “This isn’t for sale.” I look at her for a second trying to comprehend what she was saying and she says “I can’t sell these to you.” I finally respond with the equally intelligent statement “but I got it off your shelf with the others.” She looks from me to the box and back at the register. She shrugs and matter of factly states, “It says they can’t be purchased.” and places it on the counter behind her. At this point, I find my mouth opening to argue with her but remember our recent Bible Study lesson regarding emotions and behaviors. So I shot her a glance and say “I’ll run back and grab another one.”
As I get in my car with my ONE bag not the multiple bags that she had so carefully prepared, I’m congratulating myself for not letting my frustration with her rule my behavior. This satisfaction was short lived, however, as I was reminded that I was the one who had not taken the time to be sure that I had everything I needed for children’s church. Had I been more responsible I wouldn’t have been rushing at the last minute. On my drive to church, my mind wanders back to our Tuesday Night Bible Study homework assignment. We were supposed to identify our feelings and try to trace them back to our belief system. I’m feeling just a little smug that this will be a perfect example to share. After all, I did catch myself before acting out in a “non-christian” way.
As I’m thinking this through, I was surprised and appalled at myself not for what I expected, frustration with my own sense of failure. While that was a part of it, it wasn’t the whole problem. I discovered that although I was frustrated with myself, my frustration was really directed at the cashier.. I realized that with her tattoos and overall appearance, I had judged her to be someone that didn’t care about her job. As I thought about it, I realized there was no evidence to support my subconscious conclusion. Upon walking into the store, I had been vaguely aware of someone stocking shelves close to the front of the store. However, I had assumed that since there was no one at the check out, I would have to wait for someone to notice me. In fact, though, I had hardly arrived at the checkout and she was there. She must have been stocking shelves close by so she could quickly wait on customers. As I thought about it, it is quite possible that she really didn’t take that long setting up the checkout and maybe she had to wait a second for the register to boot up. If anything the evidence suggested that I misjudged her. Not only did I misjudge her, I viewed myself as having a more important agenda than hers. Ouch, I’m not like that or am I!?
In our busy lives we rarely take the time to recognize what our emotions are telling us. It’s easy to brush aside or justify our emotions and behaviors. But doing so just keeps us repeating the same old patterns, changing nothing. Slowing down to examine our behaviors and emotions, helps us to gain understanding into our actions and can produce real change. Really had I not examined my emotions, I would have gone about my day being frustrated. I would have remained angry with myself and with an inaccurate negative perception of the cashier. Now, I can’t say this enough: Had I not traced my behavior back to emotions back to my automatic thoughts back to my core beliefs, I would continue to make the same assumptions in the future.
I was responding to life through a set of core beliefs that I didn’t realize were still operating in my life. Mainly that performance equals self-worth. I was frustrated with myself that I had forgotten to do something. My performance did not meet my standards which caused me to beat myself up. As I think about past performance failures, I think of the many times I vowed to do better but any attempts to change were short lived behavioral strategies that didn’t result in real change.
Perhaps even more important, was that I was basing someone else’s worth on my core belief that people have to meet certain standards to be acceptable. Now in all honesty, I know better and had anyone said anything negatively about someone’s outward appearance or job position, I would likely be one of the first to come to their rescue. However, when my guard was down, my subconscious belief system was in control. Without slowing down and looking at my emotions and thoughts, I would never have realized that I was responding to her tattoos and cultural stereotypes. Our minds are so complex that multiple processes are happening at one time. There were many things that my mind was taking in that I wasn’t consciously registering. For instance, while I was in the store, I didn’t even think about her having tattoos . It wasn’t until later while I was driving and thinking about it all that I thought about her tattoos. What I was focused on was my own agenda and those things that seemed to support my mood. That is, her slowly preparing the bags, taking her time to scan each box individually, ect. It was only by purposely processing my emotions and behaviors that I recognized my subconscious at work. ‘Unfortunately, we often make quick judgements without wondering why. Again, failure to recognize our emotions decreases the likelihood of real change.
Recognizing false beliefs that rule our behaviors is only a part of the change process. Replacing these false beliefs with truth is also necessary. For instance, self worth does not come from performance or being accepted. No, for me self-worth comes only from recognizing that before my feet hit the floor in the morning, God sent His Son to pay the price for my sins so that I could spend eternity with Him in heaven.
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