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When Counseling Works—and When It Doesn’t

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Faith TensionsLeave a comment

He sat across from me, shoulders slumped, listing all the ways his spouse had let him down—“making it so I can’t be the man I want to be.” It could have been anyone—man or woman—struggling in any relationship, feeling stuck and frustrated. I validated his pain, his sense of not being able to live his values, because that frustration is real and heavy. Then, not wanting to negatively affect the therapeutic alliance, I hesitated before asking the question that could change everything: What’s your role in this?

That question matters because counseling isn’t magic. It’s not about fixing someone else. It’s about looking inward and doing the hard work of change. And that’s where counseling either works—or doesn’t.

When Counseling Works

Counseling works best when a few key things come together:

  • The Relationship Matters
    Research shows the connection between counselor and client is just as important as the techniques used. Trust, empathy, and collaboration set the stage for real progress. “The therapy relationship acts in concert with treatment methods, patient characteristics, and practitioner qualities in determining effectiveness” (Norcross, 2011).
  • Client Readiness Is Huge
    Change doesn’t happen without effort. Successful clients have the ability to:
    • Self-reflect: Willing to look at their own patterns.
    • Allow vulnerability: Share openly, even when it’s uncomfortable.
    • Take ownership: Accept that they play a role in their struggles—and in their healing.
    • Build emotional awareness: Learn to name and manage feelings.
  • It’s Not About One “Right” Method
    Studies show most structured therapies work about the same. What really makes the difference? The relationship, the client’s motivation, and the counselor’s ability to adapt (Castonguay & Beutler, 2006; APA, 2013).

And here’s some good news: many people report that the benefits of counseling last—and even grow—after therapy ends (Abbass et al., 2006).

When Counseling Doesn’t Work

Counseling struggles when:

  • A client resists self-reflection.
  • Vulnerability feels too scary.
  • Blame stays focused on others instead of looking inward.
  • When the counselor and client are not a good fit

Sometimes, it’s not about effort—it’s about timing. Problems happen when we try to do the right thing at the wrong time—like jumping into action without the insight that makes change stick.

Insight without action? Temporary change. Action without insight? Also temporary. Sustainable change requires both.

Barriers That Get in the Way

Even motivated people hit roadblocks:

  • Internal barriers: Fear of judgment, lack of emotional skills.
  • External barriers: Stigma, cost, and limited access to care.
  • Systemic barriers: Shortage of counselors, cultural gaps.

These don’t make counseling impossible—but they do make it harder.

How to Make Counseling Work for You

  • Check your readiness: Are you willing to look inward and take ownership?
  • Start small: Build emotional awareness—name what you feel.
  • Be honest: Vulnerability is uncomfortable, but it’s where growth happens.
  • Work with your counselor: It’s a partnership, not a quick fix.

The Bottom Line

“We all have a role to play in our own dysfunction—and in our own healing.“

Counseling works when both sides show up ready. The counselor brings skill and empathy. The client brings honesty, effort, and a willingness to change. The truth is, we all have a role to play in our own dysfunction—and in our own healing.

✅ Call to Action

If you’re thinking about counseling, ask yourself:
Am I ready to look inward, take ownership, and do the work?
If the answer is yes—or even “I want to try”—you’re already taking the first step toward real change.

References

  • Abbass, A., Kisely, S., & Kroenke, K. (2006). Short-term psychodynamic psychotherapy for somatic disorders. Psychotherapy, 43(3), 385–390.
  • American Psychological Association. (2013). Recognition of psychotherapy effectiveness. Psychotherapy, 50(1), 102–109.
  • Castonguay, L. G., & Beutler, L. E. (2006). Principles of therapeutic change that work. Oxford University Press.
  • Norcross, J. C. (2011). Psychotherapy relationships that work. Oxford University Press.
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How Abuse Begins, Why It Continues, and What Responsibility Requires

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Christian Living, Faith and Spiritual Growth, Family, Relationships, Repairer of Broken WallsLeave a comment

We often see articles and resources focused on the person being abused—and rightly so. Far fewer pieces address the person who causes harm. Why is that? Perhaps because we assume those who abuse either don’t see the problem or don’t want to change.

Yet the reality is often more complicated. Many people who engage in abusive behavior do recognize something is wrong. They may want change, know change is necessary, and still feel trapped in cycles of abuse, shame, and avoidance. While this does not excuse harm or reduce accountability, understanding these internal dynamics matters if real change is ever to occur.

Abuse is not limited to one type of person, background, or circumstance. People who engage in abusive behavior come from every culture, socioeconomic class, faith tradition, and profession. Abuse can be emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, or financial—and regardless of form, it causes real and lasting harm.

If you are honest enough to wonder whether your behavior has crossed into abuse, it likely has. Awareness is important—but it is only the first step. Responsibility is what leads to real change.

How Abuse Usually Starts

Most abusive relationships do not begin with cruelty. They begin with charm, intensity, and connection. Early on, you likely showed your best self—kindness, attentiveness, passion, and generosity. This is true in most relationships.

But abuse often begins quietly and gradually, building through patterns of control and emotional dysregulation.

Control does not appear all at once. It grows through:

  • Subtle criticism disguised as “concern”
  • Jealousy framed as love
  • Withdrawal of affection as punishment
  • Testing boundaries to see what you can get away with
  • Slowly isolating your partner from their support systems
  • Shifting responsibility for your emotions onto them

Over time, these behaviors disconnect your partner from their sense of self. The goal—conscious or not—becomes dominance rather than mutuality. When someone begins to exist primarily to manage your moods, needs, or insecurities, the relationship is no longer safe.

The Cycle You May Be Repeating

Abuse often follows a predictable cycle. If you are willing to look honestly, you may recognize yourself in it.

1. Tension Building
You feel threatened, insecure, ignored, or entitled to more. You may perceive disrespect where none was intended. Communication breaks down. Your partner becomes cautious, accommodating, and hyperaware of your moods. You feel justified in your resentment.

2. Acting Out
This is where harm occurs. You lash out—emotionally, verbally, physically, sexually, financially, or spiritually. You may justify it as provoked, minimized, or deserved. Regardless of intent, damage is done.

3. Reconciliation (Honeymoon)
You apologize, promise change, or shift blame. You may deny what happened, minimize it, or insist it “wasn’t that bad.” You might cry, beg, or portray yourself as the real victim. This stage often keeps your partner emotionally bonded and confused.

4. Calm
Things appear better. The abuse pauses. You may act loving, generous, or attentive. Your partner hopes this version of you is the “real” you. But without accountability and sustained change, the cycle restarts.

This cycle is not accidental, even when it operates outside of conscious awareness. Many people who engage in abusive behavior are not deliberately thinking, “I am repeating a cycle of abuse” but they are repeating learned and reinforced patterns. When abusive behavior temporarily relieves internal discomfort or restores a sense of control, the brain registers it as effective—making the cycle more likely to repeat. Unawareness explains repetition; it does not excuse it. It is maintained by avoidance of responsibility.

Why Your Partner May Have Stayed — and Why That Is Not an Excuse

You may tell yourself:

  • “If it were really that bad, they would have left.”
  • “They stayed, so it can’t be abuse.”
  • “They knew how I was.”
  • “I’m a good provider. I take care of my family.”
  • “I’m a good person.”

Seeing yourself as a “good person” does not prevent you from causing harm. Change begins when behavior—not identity—is honestly examined. These beliefs shift responsibility away from you—and they are false.

Take a moment and reflect: When you say, “I’m a good person,” does that belief stop you from seeing the ways your actions may have caused harm? How might you separate your sense of self from the responsibility to change your behavior?

People stay in abusive relationships because of fear, hope, trauma bonding, isolation, financial dependence, concern for children, spiritual pressure, and neurobiological attachment. None of these makes abuse acceptable.

Your partner staying does not mean your behavior was tolerable.
It means the harm worked.

Love Is Not the Issue—Responsibility Is

You may believe you loved your partner deeply. That may be true. But love does not cancel out harm.

Abuse is not caused by loving “too much.”
It is caused by entitlement, control, unregulated emotions, and a refusal to tolerate discomfort without discharging it onto someone else.

Promises, apologies, gifts, spiritual language, or emotional displays are not change. Change requires:

  • Naming your behavior without minimizing it
  • Stopping blame-shifting
  • Accepting that impact matters more than intent
  • Understanding that your partner is not responsible for your emotions
  • Seeking long-term, specialized intervention—not couples therapy, not promises, not prayer alone

The Brain, Attachment, and Power

Early in relationships, bonding chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin intensify connection. Oxytocin—the “love” or “cuddle” hormone—produces feelings of security, relaxation, and attachment, while dopamine—the “pleasure” chemical—reinforces reward and desire. Together, these chemicals make the early stages of love exciting and intoxicating.

When abuse is mixed with affection, it can create a powerful trauma bond—one that benefits the person with more power. Often, this dynamic is driven by insecurity: fear of abandonment, worry that you are not enough, or anxiety that your partner might leave. These feelings can push you to seek reassurance through control, reconciliation, or gestures of affection—not as genuine connection, but as a way to reduce your own discomfort.

If you use reconciliation, affection, or vulnerability to prevent your partner from leaving, that is not connection—it is coercion. Real intimacy requires freedom. If someone stays because they are afraid, confused, or worn down, that is not consent—it is survival.

Consider the ways your own fears, insecurities, or need for reassurance have influenced your actions in the relationship. Have these feelings ever led you to control, manipulate, or coerce your partner? How might acknowledging your insecurities help you take responsibility for the harm you’ve caused rather than using them as justification?

What Accountability Actually Looks Like

If you truly want to change, accountability means:

  • Stopping all abusive behavior immediately, not “working on it”
  • Not asking for forgiveness as a way to relieve your guilt
  • Accepting consequences, including the possibility that the relationship ends
  • Allowing outside help in the form of individual counseling or group counseling
  • Letting go of control, even if that means being alone
  • Understanding that change is measured over years, not weeks

Change is not proven by how badly you feel.
It is proven by how differently you live.

A Final Truth

Abuse is a choice. Past trauma or emotional dysregulation may influence your behavior, but recognizing this is not the same as excusing it. Accountability requires naming the harm, learning to regulate your responses, and choosing not to abuse.

If you are serious about change, the work begins when you stop centering yourself and start taking full responsibility for the harm you caused—without expectation of reconciliation.

That is the only place real change begins.

Acknowledgment:
This article was informed by and adapted from “On Abusive Relationships: How They Start & Why We Stay” by Isaac Smith, published on Whole Wellness Therapy. While this post expands on these ideas and reframes them for an accountability-focused perspective, the original work provided valuable insight into the dynamics of abusive relationships. You can read the full article here: https://www.wholewellnesstherapy.com/post/on-abusive-relationships-how-they-start-why-we-stay

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Niceness Protects Comfort, Kindness Calls for Courage

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn balancing faith, Belonging, Christian Living, Grace and Ground Series, Rooted in WorthLeave a comment

Many of us learned that being “nice” was the safest way to survive—don’t rock the boat, don’t upset anyone, don’t say no. But what if kindness isn’t about staying quiet, and instead calls us to honesty, boundaries, and courage?

Kindness is deeper and rooted in character. It involves empathy, integrity, and sometimes truth-telling or setting boundaries—even when that’s uncomfortable. Kindness looks at what is truly good or loving in the long run, not just what feels pleasant in the moment.

Niceness, on the other hand, is often about keeping things agreeable, even when it’s not entirely honest. Sometimes it comes from feeling like our worth depends on others’ approval. Other times, niceness arises from noticing that others aren’t yet ready for something, or from seeing them as less than ourselves—not out of malice or judgment, but from a desire to guide, support, and help them grow. Even so, it can still be rooted in devaluing the other person or creating dependence, rather than empowering them to step into their own strength.

I often find myself overcommitted because I want to be nice and offer support. I don’t want to disappoint people or have them think I don’t care, so my instinct is to say yes when someone asks for help. I truly want to make things easier for them—but I’ve learned that saying yes isn’t always the kindest choice.

Sometimes, stepping in for someone who is capable of handling a task themselves—especially when they’re learning or growing—relieves their discomfort in the moment but also robs them of the chance to develop confidence, problem-solving skills, or responsibility. Niceness may smooth things over temporarily, but kindness looks at what’s truly helpful in the long run. In that space of learning, discomfort often appears as frustration—something we naturally want to fix for them. Yet when we step in to ease that frustration, we’re often more concerned with regulating our own emotions than supporting their growth. We feel uncomfortable that they are frustrated. In trying to make things “easy” for them, we unintentionally take away the opportunity for them to navigate the challenge themselves—and in doing so, we gain comfort at the expense of their development.

Going back to my personal example: Saying yes when I’m already overloaded doesn’t just add one task—it quietly builds stress from the accumulation of many small demands. Choosing kindness sometimes means saying no—not because I don’t care, but because I care enough about both of us to allow growth instead of rescuing.

Jesus was kind—but He was not always nice.

In Mark 10:17–22, a rich young ruler comes to Jesus asking about eternal life. Jesus looks at him and loves him—and then says the hard thing:

“One thing you lack… go, sell everything you have and give to the poor.”

Jesus doesn’t soften the truth to keep the man comfortable. He doesn’t chase him down or reframe the message when the man walks away sad. That would have been nice.

Instead, Jesus is kind. He tells the truth that invites transformation, even though it costs the relationship in that moment. Jesus doesn’t prioritize being agreeable but instead prioritizes truth in loving kindness rather than shallow agreeableness or niceness.

We should strive for kindness while acknowledging a human reality: there are moments when we’re tired, triggered, overwhelmed, or unable to show deep compassion. In those moments, the minimum standard becomes niceness—choosing not to be cruel, dismissive, or reactive.

Even when it’s difficult, we always have a choice in how we treat others. Kindness asks more of us than niceness ever could—it calls us to be truthful, compassionate, and brave. Choosing kindness shapes not only the lives of those around us, but also the person we are becoming.

Depression Treatment and Coping Strategies: Starting Small for Big Impact

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Health living, Personal Growth1 Comment

In our previous post, we explored what depression is and its hidden struggles. If you missed it, check out Beyond Sadness: Understanding Depression and Its Hidden Struggles

Depression can feel like an uphill battle, but recovery begins with small, consistent steps. While professional treatment—such as therapy and medication—is often essential, everyday self-care strategies play a powerful role in managing symptoms. When even basic tasks feel overwhelming, breaking them down into smaller, achievable actions can make a difference.

Professional Treatment Options

Therapy Approaches

  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Targets negative thought patterns and behaviors.
  • Interpersonal Therapy (IPT): Improves relationship dynamics and social functioning.
  • Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): Helps process traumatic or distressing memories that may contribute to depression (Shapiro, 2018).
  • Narrative Therapy: Encourages reframing life stories to foster empowerment and resilience (White & Epston, 1990).

Medication Options

Antidepressants are commonly prescribed to regulate neurotransmitters and improve mood. Common classes and examples include:

  • SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors):
    • Fluoxetine (Prozac)
    • Sertraline (Zoloft)
    • Escitalopram (Lexapro)
  • SNRIs (Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors):
    • Venlafaxine (Effexor XR)
    • Duloxetine (Cymbalta)
  • Atypical Antidepressants:
    • Bupropion (Wellbutrin)
  • Tricyclic Antidepressants (TCAs):
    • Amitriptyline
    • Nortriptyline

Important: Medication should always be prescribed and monitored by a qualified healthcare provider.

Practical Coping Strategies

Beyond professional treatment, small steps in daily life can help manage symptoms and build resilience:

1. Start with Micro-Goals

  • Sit up in bed before aiming to get dressed.
  • Pair small actions with comforting rituals (e.g., listening to music while making tea).

2. Prioritize Basic Hygiene

  • If a full shower feels overwhelming, start with washing your face or brushing your teeth.
  • Lay out clothes the night before to reduce decision fatigue.

3. Nourish Your Body

  • Keep easy, healthy snacks like fruit or yogurt on hand.
  • Drink water regularly to maintain energy.

4. Create a Rest Routine

  • Dim lights and avoid screens before bed.
  • Try calming activities like reading or gentle stretches.

5. Mindfulness and Journaling

  • Practice deep breathing or short meditation sessions.
  • Write down thoughts to reduce mental clutter and track progress.

6. Build a Support Network

  • Reach out to trusted friends or family.
  • Consider joining a support group—online or in person.

Closing Thought

Recovery isn’t linear, and that’s okay. Celebrate small victories, seek support when needed, and remember: depression is treatable. In our next post, we’ll explore mindfulness techniques and community resources to help you stay on track.

Want the full picture?
Start with Part 1 of our Depression Series: Beyond Sadness: Understanding Depression and Its Hidden Struggles. Then come back here for practical steps to manage it.

If you found these strategies helpful, please like, share, and comment on this blog. Your support can make a difference for someone struggling with depression.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.).

Hu, X., et al. (2021). Neurotransmitter dysregulation in depression: A review. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12, 705234. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.705234

Kessler, R. C., & Bromet, E. J. (2013). The epidemiology of depression across cultures. Annual Review of Public Health, 34, 119–138. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-publhealth-031912-114409

Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy: Basic principles, protocols, and procedures. Guilford Press.
White, M., & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. Norton.

Beyond Sadness: Understanding Depression and Its Hidden Struggles

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Faith Tensions, Health living1 Comment

Meet Sammy. On the surface, Sammy seems to have life under control—a steady job, a few close friends, and a routine that looks perfectly normal. But behind that calm exterior, Sammy is living with moderate recurrent depression. This isn’t merely feeling sad for a few days; it’s a cycle of episodes that recur repeatedly, each lasting weeks and making everyday tasks feel overwhelming.

What Is Depression?

Depression is more than sadness. According to the DSM-5-TR, a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder requires at least five symptoms for two or more weeks, causing significant distress or impairment. Common symptoms include (American Psychiatric Association [APA], 2022):

  • Feeling sad, irritable, empty, and/or hopeless
  • Losing interest or pleasure in activities you once enjoyed
  • Significant changes in appetite (overeating or undereating) and/or weight (notable loss or gain unrelated to dieting)
  • Sleeping too little or too much
  • Decreased energy or increased tiredness or fatigue
  • Noticeable changes in physical activity—either restlessness (e.g., pacing, handwringing) or slowed movements and speech observable by others
  • Feeling worthless or excessively guilty
  • Difficulty thinking, concentrating, forgetfulness, and/or trouble making even minor decisions
  • Thoughts of death, suicidal ideation, or suicide attempts

Severity Specifiers: How Intense Is It?

Depression isn’t one-size-fits-all. DSM-5-TR uses severity specifiers to describe how much symptoms interfere with life (APA, 2022):

  • Mild: Few symptoms beyond the minimum; minor impact on daily life
  • Moderate: Symptoms and impairment are between mild and severe (Sammy’s case)
  • Severe: Many symptoms beyond the minimum; major disruption in functioning, possible suicidal thoughts

Course Specifiers: How Often Does It Happen?

Depression can be a single episode or a recurring pattern:

  • Single Episode: One major depressive episode
  • Recurrent Episode: Two or more episodes, separated by at least 2 months without symptoms
  • In Partial Remission: Some symptoms remain, but not full criteria
  • In Full Remission: No significant symptoms for 2+ months

Sammy’s story? Moderate recurrent depression—meaning multiple episodes over time, with periods of relief in between.

How It Shows Up in Everyday Life

Depression often hides behind a smile. Someone may present well, appearing happy and managing well in public, but their private life may be very different. Someone may function well at work or in social settings, but this is often a facade. For Sammy, it looks like:

  • Struggling to get out of bed
  • Avoiding social interactions
  • Feeling “numb” or disconnected
  • Losing interest in hobbies that once brought joy

What Causes Depression?

Depression is a multifactorial condition that rarely stems from a single cause. Instead, it often results from an interplay of biological, psychological, and environmental factors, consistent with the biopsychosocial model.

Biological Factors

  • Genetics: A family history of depression increases vulnerability. Twin and family studies suggest heritability plays a significant role in risk (Kessler & Bromet, 2013).
  • Brain Chemistry: Dysregulation of neurotransmitters such as serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine can impair mood regulation (Hu et al., 2021).
  • Medical Conditions: Chronic illnesses, hormonal changes, and certain medications may contribute to depressive symptoms.

Psychological Factors

  • Trauma and Early Life Stress: Childhood adversity, abuse, or major loss can predispose individuals to depression later in life.
  • Relational Trauma: Harmful or neglectful relationships—such as emotional abuse, betrayal, or chronic invalidation—can deeply impact self-worth and emotional regulation, increasing vulnerability to depression.
  • Negative Thinking Patterns: Persistent self-criticism, hopelessness, and distorted thinking can fuel depressive episodes.
  • Personality Traits: High neuroticism and low resilience increase susceptibility. and low resilience increases susceptibility.

Environmental Factors

  • Stressful Life Events: Job loss, financial strain, or relationship breakdowns often act as triggers.
  • Social Isolation: Lack of supportive relationships can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and despair.
  • Major Life Changes: Relocation, divorce, or caregiving responsibilities can create overwhelming stress.

Research underscores that these factors rarely act in isolation; rather, they interact dynamically, influencing onset, severity, and recurrence of depression (Kessler & Bromet, 2013;Hu et al., 2021; Aguwa, 2020).

Closing Thought

Depression is real—and treatable. Understanding it is the first step toward healing.
Next up: In our next post, we’ll explore practical treatment options and coping strategies to help manage depression and reclaim your life.

Ready to learn how to manage depression? Read Depression Treatment and Coping Strategies: Starting Small for Big Impact (coming out Tuesday, February 3 at 10:00am

If this series resonates with you, please like, share, or comment to help others discover it. Your engagement helps spread these important insights—and might just inspire someone to rewrite their own script.

References

Aguwa, L. (2020). Depression: The biological and environmental factors contributing to depression—A systematic review. University of Liverpool. Retrieved from https://www.academia.edu/80679824

American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425787 

Hu, Y., Yiu, V., & Clark, R. (2021). Etiology of depression: Biological and environmental factors in the development of depression. Journal of Student Research. https://doi.org/10.47611/jsrhs.v10i4.2017

Kessler, R. C., & Bromet, E. J. (2013). The epidemiology of depression across cultures. Annual Review of Public Health, 34, 119–138. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-publhealth-031912-114409

From Helpless to Capable: Rewriting Your Life Script (Part 2 of 2)

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Faith Tensions, Personal GrowthLeave a comment

In Part 1, we saw Alex and Jordan start the same project with the same resources—but end up in very different places. Jordan finished. Alex didn’t. The difference wasn’t skill or time; it was mindset: agency and locus of control.

But here’s the deeper question: Where do those mindsets come from? They don’t appear out of thin air. They’re often written into our lives early on—through what psychologists call life scripts.

Life Scripts: The Messages We Grow Up With

From childhood, we absorb messages about our worth, capability, and control. These messages often come from caregivers and environments that shape how we see ourselves and the world.

  • Script 1: “No matter what you do, it’s never good enough.”
    • Common in homes marked by dysfunction or trauma.
    • Children learn that effort doesn’t lead to approval, so why try?
    • This erodes agency—the belief that actions matter—and fosters an external locus of control: “Others decide if I succeed.”
  • Script 2: “I’ll take care of everything for you.”
    • Common in overprotective or enmeshed families.
    • Children learn that someone else will handle challenges, so they don’t develop problem-solving skills.
    • This creates dependency and low agency: “I can’t do this without help.”

These scripts don’t just influence childhood—they echo into adulthood, shaping how we respond to obstacles.

Flow of Influence

Our actions don’t happen in isolation—they’re shaped by layers of belief formed long before adulthood. Here’s the progression:

Life Scripts → Beliefs → Behaviors → Outcomes

  • Life Scripts: The messages we absorb early on, like “You’ll never be good enough” or “Someone else will handle it.”
  • Beliefs: These scripts become internal truths—“I can’t succeed” or “I’m not capable.”
  • Behaviors: Beliefs drive actions. If you think effort doesn’t matter, you procrastinate or give up easily.
  • Outcomes: Behaviors create results—unfinished projects, missed opportunities, or, conversely, success and resilience.

Understanding this flow helps us see that changing outcomes starts with rewriting the script—not just forcing new behaviors.

Alex and Jordan Revisited

  • Alex’s inner voice: “Why bother? This isn’t going to work.”
    • Likely rooted in a script of inadequacy or learned helplessness.
    • When faced with an obstacle, Alex defaults to frustration and withdrawal.
  • Jordan’s inner voice: “What’s another way to solve this?”
    • Likely rooted in a script of capability and autonomy.
    • Jordan sees obstacles as problems to solve, not proof of failure.

Same project. Same supplies. Different scripts.

Why This Matters

When we understand that these patterns often come from early experiences—not laziness or lack of ambition—we can approach change with compassion. Trauma-informed thinking reminds us: People aren’t broken; they’re shaped by what they’ve lived through.

Rewriting the Script

The good news? Scripts aren’t permanent. Here are ways to start rewriting them:

  • Notice the voice: When you hear “Why bother?” pause and ask, “Whose voice is this? Mine—or an old message?”
  • Challenge the belief: Replace “I can’t” with “I can try.”
  • Build small wins: Success—even tiny—rebuilds agency.
  • Seek support: Therapy, coaching, or trusted relationships can help unpack old scripts.
  • Practice autonomy: Make decisions, even small ones, and own the outcome.

Closing Thought

Alex and Jordan’s story isn’t about personality—it’s about programming. If your script says, “You can’t,” you can rewrite it. Agency grows with practice. Control shifts when you believe your actions matter. And that belief? It’s the foundation for becoming a person who does.

If you missed Part 1, start there to understand the foundation: why agency and locus of control matter—and how they shape whether we finish what we start. It sets the stage for everything we’ve explored here.

→ Read Part 1: From Helpless to Capable: Breaking Free from Old Messages

If this series resonates with you, please like, share, or comment to help others discover it. Your engagement helps spread these important insights—and might just inspire someone to rewrite their own script.

From Helpless to Capable: Breaking Free from Old Messages (Part 1 of 2)

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Identity, Personal Growth1 Comment

Alex and Jordan, two friends, have been talking about a project they’ve both wanted to do for months. Finally, they decide it’s time. They head to the store together, buy all the supplies, and go home excited to start.

Each begins the project at their respective homes. Both encounter an obstacle—something they hadn’t anticipated. They step back, and here’s where the difference emerges.

  • Alex steps back and gets frustrated: “Why bother?” “This isn’t going to work.” Negative internal messages flood in.
  • Jordan, on the other hand, steps back and calmly considers options: “What’s another way to solve this?”

Fast forward to the next night. The two friends are texting. Jordan is sharing pictures of the completed project. Alex? Listing all the reasons the project couldn’t be finished.

What’s the difference? A sense of agency and a sense of locus of control.

What Are Agency and Locus of Control?

  • Agency: The ability to act intentionally and believe your actions matter.
    • Jordan operates with high agency: “I can figure this out.”
    • Alex struggles with low agency: “This is pointless.”
  • Locus of Control: Where you believe control lies.
    • Internal locus: “My actions shape my results.”
      • What I do matters because:
        • I believe effort leads to outcomes.
        • I see challenges as problems I can solve.
        • Success or failure is tied to my choices, not luck.
    • External locus: “Life happens to me.”
      • What I do doesn’t matter because:
        • Outcomes depend on luck, fate, or other people.
        • Obstacles feel like proof that I’m powerless.
        • Circumstances need to change before action happens.
    • Jordan leans internal; Alex leans external.

These two forces quietly determine whether someone becomes a “doer” or a “non-doer.”

Jordan: The Person Who Gets Things Done

  • Beliefs: “I have influence over outcomes.”
  • Behaviors:
    • Breaks big goals into small steps.
    • Seeks solutions instead of excuses.
    • Treats setbacks as feedback, not failure.
  • Mindset: “I can make progress even if it’s imperfect.”

Alex: The Person Who Doesn’t

  • Beliefs: “It’s out of my hands.”
  • Behaviors:
    • Overplans and procrastinates.
    • Focuses on obstacles instead of opportunities.
    • Waits for ideal conditions before acting.
  • Mindset: “Why bother? It won’t matter.”

Why This Matters

The gap between Alex and Jordan isn’t about intelligence or talent—it’s about belief systems. Agency and locus of control shape motivation, resilience, and life satisfaction. When these are compromised—often by early life experiences—the difference between “do” and “don’t” becomes a matter of mindset, not capability.

Practical Tips to Build Agency and Internal Locus

  • Start small: Like Jordan, set achievable goals and celebrate wins.
  • Reframe challenges: Ask, “What can I control here?”
  • Own your choices: Practice decision-making and accept outcomes.
  • Reflect on success: Identify what you did to make it happen.

Closing Thought

Alex and Jordan started with the same resources. One finished, one didn’t. The difference? Belief in control. People who do believe they can. People who don’t believe they can’t. The good news? Beliefs can change—agency is built one intentional choice at a time.

Curious why Alex and Jordan responded so differently to the same challenge? It’s not just personality—it’s programming. In Part 2, we’ll explore the hidden scripts written early in life that shape our sense of control and capability. These scripts can come from trauma or even overprotection—and they influence whether we believe we can succeed. Most importantly, we’ll share how to rewrite those scripts for a more empowered future.

If you find this helpful, please like, share, and comment on this blog. Your support can make a difference for someone struggling with depression

→ Read Part 2: From Helpless to Capable: Rewriting Your Life Script Publishes on Tuesday, January 27 at 10:00 am

A Gift That Changes Everything: Love, Freedom, and Hope

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Belonging, Biblical Reflections, Decision Making, Devotionals, Faith and Spiritual Growth, Faith TensionsLeave a comment

From Manger to Cross: The Story That Changes Everything

As we pause under the glow of twinkling lights, hum along to familiar carols, gather with people we love, and breathe in the beauty of it all, we remember that Christmas isn’t only a celebration of a birth — it’s the opening chapter of the greatest redemption story ever told, a story that stretches beyond Bethlehem, through the cross, and into the hope of the empty tomb.

And in the midst of the celebration, I hope you find even one quiet moment to remember this:
You are deeply, immeasurably loved by God.
A God who entered our world not as a distant deity, but as a baby — 100% human, yet 100% God — the very mystery upon which our faith rests. He felt hunger and exhaustion, joy and betrayal, laughter and tears. He walked where we walk, lived as we live — but remained without sin — so that His death could pay the price ours never could.

This is Christmas. This is Easter. This is love.

God’s Love at the Center

At the heart of the Christian story is this truth: God’s love is universal and unconditional. It is not reserved for a select few, nor does it depend on our perfection. God loves us as we are — broken, searching, and in need of grace.

This love is beautifully expressed in John 3:16:
“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Notice the words “the world” and “whoever believes” — they remind us that God’s love reaches every person, everywhere. The promise of eternal life isn’t earned; it’s received through faith. All that is needed is to believe — to trust in Jesus Christ as Savior. There are no boundaries, no exclusions, only an open invitation to respond.

And here’s something remarkable: God’s love never coerces. Love, by its very nature, invites rather than forces. God gives us the freedom to choose Him. He opens the door, but we decide whether to walk through it. This freedom is a gift — a reflection of His respect for us and His desire for a genuine relationship, not one built on obligation.

Romans 5:8 echoes this truth:
“But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

From Birth to Cross: The Journey of Redemption

The Incarnation — God the Son in the person of Jesus Christ — is the foundation of salvation. When Jesus entered our world as a baby, He didn’t come as a distant deity or an untouchable figure. He came as one of us, fully human, experiencing all that we’ve experienced: hunger, fatigue, joy, sorrow, betrayal, etc. This was not a symbolic gesture; it was a deliberate act of love. By stepping into our humanity, Jesus identified with our struggles and lived the life we could not live — perfectly sinless. He experienced the sensations without becoming sinful.

But the manger was never the final destination. The cradle leads to the cross. Christmas and Easter are inseparably linked because the birth of Christ set the stage for His ultimate mission: to die for our sins and rise again. Without Easter, Christmas would be incomplete. The joy of His birth finds its fulfillment in the victory of His resurrection.

The Incarnation shows us that God’s plan was personal and costly. He didn’t send an angel or a message; He came Himself. And by doing so, He made salvation possible — bridging the gap between a holy God and a broken humanity.

As we move beyond the Christmas season and look toward Easter, let’s remember this truth: The gift of the manger becomes the hope of the empty tomb. The story begins with God with us and ends with God for us — offering forgiveness, freedom, and eternal life.

Key Doctrines Explained Simply

The story of redemption is rich with meaning, and three words help us understand what Christ accomplished for us: Justification, Propitiation, and Reconciliation. These theological terms describe the heart of God’s love and the freedom He offers.

Justification: Declared Righteous

Justification means that through faith in Jesus, we are declared righteous before God. It’s not because of what we’ve done, but because of what Christ has done. His perfect life and sacrificial death remove the guilt of sin.
Freedom link: We are no longer bound by condemnation. We stand forgiven and accepted — free to live without fear of judgment.

Propitiation: The Perfect Sacrifice

Propitiation means that Jesus’ death satisfied God’s justice and removed His wrath against sin. This wasn’t about appeasing an angry God; it was about a holy God providing the solution Himself.

Love link: God didn’t demand payment from us — He paid it Himself through Christ. This is love in its purest form: costly, sacrificial, and complete.

Reconciliation: Restored Relationship

Reconciliation means that the barrier between God and humanity has been removed. Through Jesus, we are invited back into relationship with Him.

Choice link: God opens the door wide, but He never forces us through it. Love always invites, never coerces. The gift is offered freely — and we are free to respond.

These truths remind us that salvation is not just a theological concept; it’s a personal reality. God’s love makes a way, and His grace gives us freedom.

The Gift That Invites Response

God’s gift of salvation is offered freely — no strings attached, no prerequisites, no earning required. It is grace in its purest form. But here’s the truth about love: it always invites a response. Love never forces, never manipulates. God opens His arms wide, yet He leaves the choice to us.

This is the beauty of freedom in Christ. We are not robots programmed to obey; we are people created to love and choose. The question is: How will we respond to this gift?

Take a moment to reflect:

  • What does freedom in Christ mean for me today?
  • Does it mean living without fear of condemnation?
  • Does it mean embracing forgiveness and letting go of guilt?
  • Does it mean walking in hope, even when life feels uncertain?

Freedom in Christ is not just a theological concept — it’s a daily reality. It shapes how we live, how we love, and how we face tomorrow. The gift is yours. The choice is yours. Will you receive it?

Looking Ahead: Living in the Light of Easter

The story that began in a manger does not end at the cross. It bursts forth in the empty tomb — the ultimate victory over sin and death. Easter reminds us that the hope of resurrection is not just for Jesus; it’s for all who believe. Because He lives, we have the promise of eternal life. This is the anchor for our faith and the reason we can face tomorrow with confidence.

But this hope is not only about the future; it transforms how we live today. Freedom in Christ means we are no longer slaves to fear, guilt, or condemnation. It means we can walk in grace, knowing we are loved and forgiven. And it calls us to live daily in gratitude — to let every choice, every word, and every act reflect the joy of redemption.

So as we move toward Easter, let’s live as people of hope. Let’s embrace the freedom Christ has given us and share His love with a world that desperately needs it. The gift has been given. The victory is secure.

All Scripture quotations are taken from the NIV 10th Anniversary Study Bible.

The Gift of Presence: Celebrating Christmas Through Acts of Service

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Being Present, Christian Living, Faith Tensions, Family, Gifting, Grace, Holiday, Identity, Love, Prayer, RelationshipsLeave a comment

Every December, the world buzzes with wrapping paper, shopping lists, and the pressure to find the perfect gift. But what if this year, instead of focusing on presents, we embraced the gift of presence? What if we celebrated Christmas by giving our time, love, and service—just as Jesus did when He came to dwell among us?

The True Meaning of Christmas

Christmas is more than lights and gifts; it’s the celebration of God’s greatest act of love—sending His Son, Jesus, to be with us. “The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us” (John 1:14). His birth was not about grandeur but humility: a manger, not a palace. This was God’s way of saying, “I am here with you.” Presence was His gift.

Why Presence Matters More Than Presents

Material gifts fade, but memories of love and togetherness last forever. Being present means showing up—fully engaged, without distractions. It’s listening, laughing, and sharing life. In a world that often feels disconnected, presence is the most precious gift we can give.

Acts of Service: Reflecting Christ’s Love

Jesus didn’t just come to be served; He came to serve. “The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve” (Matthew 20:28). This Christmas, let’s follow His example through simple acts of kindness:

  • Volunteer at a local shelter or food bank.
  • Help an elderly neighbor with errands or chores.
  • Write heartfelt notes to those who need encouragement.
  • Spend time with someone who feels alone.

These acts speak louder than any wrapped gift—they echo the heart of Christ.

How to Make This Shift

  • Create a Presence Plan: Instead of a gift list, plan meaningful moments—family meals, game nights, worship together.
  • Talk About Gratitude: Share what you’re thankful for and how you’ve seen God’s love this year.
  • Serve Together: Make service a family tradition—choose one act of kindness each week leading up to Christmas.

Ask yourself:

  1. How can I be more present with my family and friends this Christmas?
  2. What act of service can I commit to this week that reflects Christ’s love?
  3. How does remembering Jesus’ humility change the way I celebrate Christmas?

Conclusion

Christmas is not about what’s under the tree; it’s about who’s around it—and the love we share. Jesus gave us the ultimate gift: Himself. This year, let’s give what truly matters—our time, our hearts, and our hands in service.

“This Christmas, let’s celebrate His presence by being present.”

Embracing Gratitude and Rest This Holiday Season

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Christian Living, Devotionals, Faith and Spiritual Growth, Faith Tensions, Grace and Ground Series, Health living, HolidayLeave a comment

The holidays often bring joy—but let’s be honest, they can also bring stress. Families travel from near and far, everyone arrives with expectations and stories to share, and behind the scenes, there’s a whirlwind of preparation: cleaning the house, cooking elaborate meals, packing up kids, and navigating travel plans. By the time the big day arrives, many of us are running on empty—physically and mentally drained. Patience wears thin, kids get cranky, and the pressure to make everything perfect looms large.

But here’s the truth: gratitude doesn’t require perfection—it thrives in presence.

And presence is hard to cultivate when we’re exhausted. That’s why, alongside gratitude, we need rest—not just sleep, but the seven kinds of rest that restore every part of who we are.

The 7 Types of Rest—and How to Practice Them This Season

Physical Rest

Holiday hosting can leave us physically exhausted from cooking, cleaning, and preparing.
Tip: Schedule downtime after gatherings. Take a brisk walk in the crisp air or curl up with a cozy blanket for a short nap.
Tip 2: When possible, invite younger family members to help with prep and cleanup. It lightens the load and teaches them the value of shared responsibility.

Mental Rest

The holidays often bring racing thoughts—menu planning, timelines, and gift lists.
Tip: Create a “brain dump” journal—write down tasks so your mind can relax. Try five minutes of quiet breathing before bed.

Emotional Rest

Holidays can stir emotions—joy, nostalgia, even stress.
Tip: Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Share openly with someone you trust—especially if it helps release negative emotions (choose someone who won’t fan the negativity). Or write a gratitude letter to someone who impacted your year.

Social Rest

After get-togethers, it’s not uncommon to feel drained despite being surrounded by loved ones.
Tip: Balance social time with solitude. Say yes to what energizes you and no to what overwhelms you.

Tip 2:If you need a breather, take a bathroom break.

Sensory Rest

Bright lights, music, and chatter can be overwhelming.
Tip: Create a calm corner—dim the lights, silence notifications, and savor a cup of tea in peace.

Creative Rest

Decorating can feel like a chore when the pressure to make everything picture-perfect takes over.
Tip 1: Visit a park, listen to music, or enjoy holiday lights without rushing. Let beauty inspire you.
Tip 2: Having your home decorated can help spark holiday spirit, but if it adds stress, give yourself permission to downsize your decorating—or skip it altogether. Rest is more important than perfection.

Spiritual Rest

In the rush, it’s easy to lose sight of the deeper meaning of the season.
Tip: Reflect on what matters most—faith, purpose, or values. Try a short meditation or prayer before the day begins.

Moving Into the Holidays with Intention

This season, let’s not just survive the holidays—let’s savor them. Count your blessings daily, but also schedule rest like you schedule parties. When we honor both gratitude and rest, we create space for joy, connection, and peace. And remember, rest isn’t just for you—invite others, especially the younger generation, to share the work and the joy. It builds community and teaches life lessons that last beyond the holidays.

Part of the Grace & Ground: Rooted in Worth Series

This post is one chapter in our journey to live with intention, embrace grace, and stay grounded in what truly matters. Explore the full series on the 7 Types of Rest and discover practical ways to nurture your body, mind, and soul.