Do you ever get angry with that one particular friend, sibling or maybe there are a few people who just seem to get under your skin? They don’t really seem to do anything major but you just have this emotional reaction. You dismiss your reaction believing the other person is just annoying.  Could it be jealousy? How do you know?

1.  Reflect on the emotion.  Does it seem out of proportion to the event?  is the reaction limited to this person? if someone else had done the same thing would it have bothered you in the same way?  Be honest.
2. No matter how thoughtful this person is or what achievements they’ve accomplished you are never impressed.  When they’ve achieved a goal or received a promotion, you dismiss it as just luck.
3. When something bad happens to this person, are you secretly glad?  Do you find yourself frequently bringing up this person’s past mistakes or flaws?  Be honest, now.
4. Do you find yourself thinking, “Who does ____________ think they are?”  or “Serves them right.” Do you find yourself feeling as if this person needs to know their place?
5. Do you find yourself avoiding this person?  Have you stopped liking their social media posts?  Have you stopped hanging out with this person for no apparent reason?  Has this person asked if something is wrong and you don’t have a good answer so you just mumble “No, of course not, I’ve just been busy.”
6. Do you find yourself making vague negative comments to others about this person?  Do they seem to have the same issues with this person as you?  Non-specific, vague complaints?  are you influencing them?
7. No matter what advice or opinion this person gives, your skin starts to crawl. Do your thoughts echo the thoughts mentioned in #4 above?

This is a life tension.  How do you begin to ease the tension?  By being honest about what you are thinking or feeling.  Allowing yourself to embrace the emotion in a non-judgemental attitude accepting it for what it is- an indicator.  It can be a challenge to recognize our own issues.  But then we stand- we don’t avoid the issue and we don’t aggravate the situation.  We work through the issue by monitoring your behavior in relation to this person.  You can have all the material blessings the world has to offer but if your relationships are fractured all the material blessings in the world won’t bring you peace.

1. Notice the emotion for what it is.
2. Congratulate this person on accomplishments.
3. Monitor facial reactions when hearing of misfortune.  And when that secret happy emotion floats in recognize it for what it is.
4. When thoughts of keeping this person in their place pop up,  reframe it in a more honest way.
5. Continue positive interaction in spite of the emotion to withdraw or become aggressive.
6. Until you are in a healthier place with this person, refrain from any negative comments or inneundos.
7. Be open and objective to this person’s opinions and advice.  Focus on the specific information and judge it not the person providing it.

Penny McQuinn, LCSW

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  Eph. 6:12