Month: November 2018

Help, I married my parent (or sibling)!!

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Bowen Family Therapy, Family, Relationships, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Family is the placefamily house where we first learn how to relate to others and where we first learn how others will relate to us.  It’s where we learn to deal with authority, how to  stand up for ourselves or how to make ourselves invisible so as to avoid negative interactions.  It’s where we first learn how to get along with others.  It’s the place where we should be able to look into another’s eyes and see reflected back a person of value and worth.

The perfect family does not exist.  This article is not intended to pass blame on parents, siblings or other family members. However, understanding how we were conditioned to relate to others offers much in the way of understanding our current relationships.  The child who has to fight to be seen is the adult partner who may insist on being heard.

Often times one will look for those who are very different from their family of origins and are often surprised to find that they have merely repeated many of the same patterns. This happens because we tend to look for what seems comfortable by finding people who know the same relationship dance that we do.  This is generally not a conscious decision but one that we simply fall into.  This may be echoed when describing the relationship to others as, “It just feels right.”

homeFor instance, an only child may find
him/herself attracted to someone from a large family.  Or an oldest girl may find herself in partnership with the younger male of a family.  Seems like opposites.  However, both only children and oldest girls may shoulder a lot of responsibilities in their families.  They often find themselves repeating over-functioning roles in their adult relationships. A role that feels comfortable in the beginning but may foster resentment later.

The first step in breaking these patterns is awareness.  Awareness of these roles from early childhood and how they affect current relationships can help us to break old patterns and develop healthier patterns that produce self-acceptance and contentment. It may involve returning home to heal.

 

Keeping Meaning in Your Holiday

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

The holiday season is once again upon us. Many start out with great expectations of what they hope the season will bring but end dejected and discouraged.  For some, the holiday season magnifies their aloneness. The holidays may bring stress to find the perfect gift, stress to attend multiple holiday events, stress due to family interactions and, of course, financial stress.  When holidays are devoid of meaning and become busy stressors, they deplete our energies. Holidays should be recharging and restorative.  Keeping holidays meaningful is about making conscious, purposeful choices.

holiday winterSuggestions for keeping the holidays meaningful

Keeping it simple is probably one of the best antidotes to the above-mentioned stressors.  The temptation at the holidays is to make everything special.  Within the idea of a holiday is the idea of something out of the ordinary. However, everything around the holidays doesn’t have to be a major event.  Choose 1 or 2 events/activities that are purposefully special.  Say “no” to  two activities that you may feel obligated to attend but feel draining.  Allow yourself the luxury of enjoying the simple things around the holidays.  Sometimes a bag of microwave popcorn enjoyed as a family around a holiday movie can be one of the most enjoyable parts of the season.

Connecting with family and friends at the holidays is often a much-anticipated part of the season that comes with high expectations.  Often this excitement can be overwhelming for all.  To make the most of family time together take time for self-care.  Even adults need to be well-rested and well-nourished or may simply need a break from holiday festivities.  Pay attention to your physiological needs. This is not a time to neglect personal self-care.  Self-care can be the most unselfish activity you can do for your family.  Well-rested, well-nourished adults who allow themselves some downtime have more patience and resiliency to manage stress.  When the season necessitates time with irritating family members, stay focused on your behavior not theirs.  You can’t control them but you can control you.  Speak words of kindness and act on the urge to walk away rather than holding your ground.

Take an inventory of your reason for celebrating the holidays.  Take a few minutes throughout each day to remind yourself of why you recognize the holidays.  In the what's your whybusyness of the season, it’s easy to become distracted from the purpose of the season. Listen to a few holiday themed songs that remind you of the meaning behind the season.  Take a few minutes to read a holiday devotional.  Do whatever helps keep you grounded to your spiritual beliefs for the season.

Finally, putting all of the above into action by bringing holiday joy to others may be one of the most important parts of keeping your holiday season meaningful.  Think beyond your own circumstances and connect in meaningful ways with others.  Take part in three other-centered activities. These activities don’t have to be big or extravagant activities.  Take the time to relieve someone’s aloneness, financial strain, and/or personal stress. Visit with that elderly person that just lost their spouse or is experiencing a breakup, sponsor a local family who isn’t going to have much for Christmas, offer to babysit for the couple with young children who doesn’t have any family close by, etc.

Keep the holidays full of meaning by keeping it simple, staying connected, practicing self-care, knowing your why and helping someone else enjoy the season.