Part of the “Regulation from the Inside Out” Series
Introduction
In ‘Knowing Yourself from the Inside Out‘, we explored how emotions, thoughts, and body awareness give us clues to who we are and what we value. But self-awareness is only the beginning. The real test comes when we step into challenging conversations—those moments when emotions flare, misunderstandings surface, and relationships feel strained. If we don’t regulate ourselves, we risk reacting in ways that shut down dialogue instead of building connection, often behaving in ways that contradict our own values and self-understanding. The person we want to be gets lost in our reactions.
Why Regulation Matters
When we’re triggered, our nervous system often reacts as if we’re under threat—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. That reaction can make us defensive, dismissive, paralyzed, or even avoidant. At first, self-regulation can feel like you’re shutting off your voice, as if your rights, thoughts, or feelings are being dismissed or disrespected. Learning to regulate yourself is not about silencing your emotions, but about staying grounded enough to engage with curiosity and respect.
Without regulation:
- We react instead of responding.
- We defend instead of listening.
- We withdraw instead of leaning into connection.
With regulation:
- We listen deeply.
- We ask thoughtful questions.
- We bring calm that can transform the tone of the conversation.
Steps for Self-Regulation in Challenging Conversations
1. Pause Before Responding
Take a breath. Even a 3-second pause creates space for your thinking brain to engage, rather than letting your emotions run the show. For me, I imagine breathing in God’s peace and love and exhaling the evil. You might also take a sip of water or glance out the window—simple actions that ground you in place and time rather than in an emotional state.
Practice Tip: Inhale deeply, exhale slowly, and silently say to yourself, ‘I can respond with calm.’
2. Notice What’s Happening in Your Body
Tight shoulders? Racing heart? Clenched jaw? Your body often signals before your words do. By noticing the tension, you can choose to soften it. It may feel impossible—or even contradictory—but you can intentionally guide your body into relaxation. One of my favorite ways to illustrate this is with the kids in my office: I invite them to imagine their bodies melting like a snowman. The image helps them release what they’re holding on to. This can also work for adults-when I’m stressed between meetings, I can take a minute and melt into my chair.
Practice Tip: Roll your shoulders, unclench your jaw, or plant your feet firmly on the floor to ground yourself.
3. Name Your Emotion Internally
Simply saying to yourself, “I’m feeling defensive” or “I’m feeling anxious” helps calm the nervous system. Naming emotions takes power away from them and restores clarity. Many people struggle to understand their emotions or even know how to put them into words. I encourage clients to start practicing this skill by simply labeling what they feel in the moment. One resource that may be particularly helpful in naming and understanding emotions is Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart.
Practice Tip: Keep a small notebook or phone note handy throughout your day. When you notice a strong emotional reaction—big or small—pause and write down the emotion in a single word or short phrase (e.g., “frustrated,” “anxious,” “excited”). Over time, this simple habit strengthens your ability to identify and regulate emotions in real time.
4. Anchor Yourself in Values
Ask: “What matters most here—being right, or building understanding?” Remind yourself of your deeper values: kindness, respect, truth, and reconciliation. Take a moment to anchor yourself in the intention to live with integrity and to show up as the person you were created to be, acting in alignment with your values even in the midst of a challenging conversation.
Practice Tip: Before responding, silently ask yourself: “Which choice reflects the person I want to be?” Let that guide your words and tone in the conversation.
5. Practice Curious Listening
Shift from defending to understanding. Instead of preparing your next point, lean into their story.
Practice Tips:
- Try asking: “Can you tell me more about what led you to that perspective?”
- Or: “Help me understand what’s most important to you in this.”
Reflection Exercise
Before your next tough conversation, try this:
- Identify a recent trigger.
- Practice a regulation tool (prayer, breathing, body scan, anchoring).
- Imagine engaging with calm curiosity.
Practice Tip: Write down how you want to show up differently. Over time, these small practices build emotional muscle for handling conflict with grace.
Closing Thought
Self-regulation is not about silencing your voice. It’s about creating enough space inside yourself to use your voice wisely and in a way that can be heard. When you regulate, you bring not only your perspective but also a presence that invites trust, honesty, and transformation.
that at times I can identify with the Pharisees’ misplaced but, at least originally, well-intended desire to be a holy people. The problem is as Cognitive Behavioral Therapists will often tell their clients feelings and emotions often follow behavior. If you want someone to work on forgiveness, first you may ask them to act in forgiving ways and frequently the feelings will follow the behavior. That’s what I suspect may have happened with the Pharisees only not for a positive outcome. They inten
where we first learn how to relate to others and where we first learn how others will relate to us. It’s where we learn to deal with authority, how to stand up for ourselves or how to make ourselves invisible so as to avoid negative interactions. It’s where we first learn how to get along with others. It’s the place where we should be able to look into another’s eyes and see reflected back a person of value and worth.
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