Tag: Love

When Love Isn’t Returned

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn balancing faith, Belonging, Christian Living, Devotionals, Faith and Spiritual Growth, Faith Tensions, GraceLeave a comment

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” — Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)

Most hurts in life don’t come from dramatic betrayals.

They come from the little things.

A friend forgets to invite you.
Someone promises to call but never does.
Your text goes unanswered.
You feel overlooked in a meeting.
Someone walks right past you without saying hello.
You’re not included in the conversation.
You hear about a gathering that everyone attended—except you.

None of these moments are life-shattering on their own, but together they can quietly wound our hearts. Before long, disappointment becomes resentment, and resentment begins to rob us of joy.

Scripture reminds us:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”— Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

Guarding our hearts is not about loving less. It is about loving well. Paul reminds us in Ephesians 5 to “walk in the way of love.” Sometimes the greatest threat to that walk is not a major betrayal but the accumulation of small offenses that quietly tempt us toward bitterness.

Guarding our hearts doesn’t mean building walls around them or refusing to love others. Rather, it means protecting our hearts from becoming hardened by offense, resentment, or cynicism. We cannot always control how others treat us, but with God’s grace, we can choose how we respond. If we are to love like Christ, we must guard our hearts so that disappointment never takes root as resentment.

So, how do we respond when others fail to love us well?

John Wesley described Christian perfection as perfect love—not perfection in performance, but perfection in motive. A heart transformed by God’s love responds differently, even when others disappoint us.

1. Choose Curiosity Before Conclusions

Our first reaction is often to assume the worst.

“They don’t care.”

“They ignored me on purpose.”

“They think I’m not good enough.”

Before assuming someone’s behavior is a statement about your worth, remember that it often reflects what is happening inside of them. Stress, grief, insecurity, exhaustion, fear, or distraction can affect how people respond to others. While their actions may impact us, they are often shaped by circumstances we cannot see.

But we rarely know the whole story.

This doesn’t mean we ignore hurtful behavior or excuse unkindness. It simply means we resist the temptation to immediately assume malicious intent. Perfect love pauses long enough to ask, “Is there another explanation?” before reaching a conclusion.

Love chooses curiosity before condemnation. It gives others the grace we hope they would extend to us when we are at our worst.

2. Refuse to Keep Score

It’s easy to start keeping mental records.

“That’s the third time they’ve done this.”

“I invited them, but they never invite me.”

“I’m always the one putting myself out there.”

The longer we keep score, the harder it becomes to love freely.

Scripture reminds us that love “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5).

Rather than keeping a mental scorecard, love refuses to let resentment take root. We cannot control another person’s choices, but we can choose whether bitterness will define our own heart.

Perfect love doesn’t keep a scorecard; it keeps the heart open to God’s transforming grace.

3. Remember Whose Approval Matters Most

When we feel overlooked by people, it’s tempting to question our worth.

But our value has never depended on someone’s invitation, compliment, or attention.

Before anyone else notices us, God already has.

Before anyone includes us, Christ has already welcomed us.

We are dearly loved children of God (Ephesians 5:1).

Living from that identity frees us from constantly seeking validation from others.

4. Extend the Grace You Hope to Receive

If we’re honest, we’ve all been the person who forgot to return a call.

We’ve missed birthdays.

We’ve overlooked someone without meaning to.

We’ve promised something and then become distracted by life.

Remembering our own imperfections makes it easier to respond with compassion instead of offense.

Perfect Love in the Everyday

Christian perfection is often tested not in life’s greatest trials, but in the daily hurts and ordinary relationships that shape our hearts.

Will I assume the best?
Will I forgive quickly?
Will I choose peace over offense?
Will I continue to love even when love isn’t perfectly returned?

Most of us won’t face persecution today.

But almost all of us will experience a small disappointment.

Perhaps that’s where perfect love grows—not in extraordinary moments, but in the quiet, everyday decision to refuse offense, extend grace, and continue loving anyway.

Reflection

Ask yourself today:

  • Has a small hurt quietly become a root of bitterness in my heart?
  • Have I assumed motives I cannot know?
  • Is there someone I need to forgive—or simply extend grace to?
  • How can I reflect Christ’s love, even if it isn’t returned?

The world teaches us to mirror the behavior of others.

Jesus calls us to mirror Him.

That is the heart of Christian perfection—not waiting for others to love us well, but allowing God’s perfect love to shape our hearts so that we respond as Christ would, regardless of how we are treated.

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can…as long as ever you can.” — John Wesley

Next in the series: When Love Requires Wisdom: When Should We Believe What Someone’s Behavior Is Telling Us?

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Three Ways to Love Like God: A Picture of Christian Perfection

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn balancing faith, Being Present, Christian Living, Devotionals, Faith and Spiritual Growth, Faith Tensions, RelationshipsLeave a comment

“Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” — Ephesians 5:1–2 (NIV)

One of the greatest contradictions in our culture is that we often love things and use people rather than love people and use things. Imagine how different our families, churches, and communities would be if we used everything God has entrusted to us—our time, talents, resources, and possessions—to love people well.

Paul reminds us in Ephesians 5:1–2 that we are God’s dearly loved children and are called to walk in the way of love. This is more than an invitation to be kind; it is a call to become like Christ.

John Wesley described this lifelong journey as Christian perfection or perfect love. He did not mean that believers become flawless or incapable of making mistakes. Rather, Christian perfection is a heart fully surrendered to God, where love for God and love for others become the controlling motive behind our thoughts, words, and actions. As we grow in grace, love increasingly shapes who we are.

What does that kind of love look like in everyday life?

1. Keep Our Word

God is completely trustworthy. Throughout Scripture, He faithfully fulfills every promise He makes. His character never changes.

When we keep our commitments, follow through on our promises, and speak truthfully, we reflect God’s faithfulness. People experience God’s love when they know our words can be trusted.

2. Keep Time

Our calendars often reveal what we value most. Love is often spelled T-I-M-E.

Jesus was never too busy for people. He stopped for the hurting, listened to those others ignored, and welcomed those who sought Him. He also invites us into His presence, saying, “Come to me…and I will give you rest“ (Matthew 11:28).

One of the greatest expressions of love is simply being present. When we intentionally make time for others, we demonstrate that they matter to God—and to us.

3. Keep Short Accounts

Love does not cling to offenses.

God’s forgiveness is complete. When we confess our sins, He removes them “as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12). Because we have received such extravagant grace, we are called to extend that same grace to others.

Keeping short accounts means choosing forgiveness over resentment and reconciliation over revenge. It doesn’t ignore pain or excuse wrongdoing, but it refuses to let bitterness take root.

Perfect Love in Everyday Life

Christian perfection is not about never failing; it is about allowing God’s love to increasingly transform our hearts. Every day we have opportunities to become more like Christ—to keep our word, make time for people, and forgive quickly.

Perhaps the simplest definition of Christian perfection is this: to love as Christ loves.

As you reflect on this passage, ask yourself:

  • Am I becoming more faithful in my word?
  • Does my calendar reflect love for God and others?
  • Is there someone I need to forgive?

May our lives become a fragrant offering to God as we walk in love, following the example of Christ. After all, the goal of the Christian life is not merely knowing more about Jesus, but loving more like Him.

Next in the Series: We’ve explored what it means to love like God. But what happens when others don’t love us well? Join me as we discover how to respond to everyday disappointments with grace, guard our hearts from bitterness, and continue walking in the way of love.

A Letter to My Children

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Being Present, Bowen Family Therapy, Communication, Faith Tensions, Family, ParentingLeave a comment

Sometimes, I realize, I can be a lot for you—more than you asked for, more than you needed.

In an attempt to make sure that everyone gets what they need, I reach out early, plan ahead, and try to identify what could go wrong so I can fix it before it even happens. What I didn’t understand was that what felt like love to me felt like pressure to you.

For a long time, I didn’t really understand what you were trying to say.
I didn’t get it.

I didn’t know that love can also feel like there’s no room to breathe.

I thought love was showing up prepared.
I thought love was remembering what everyone liked.
I thought love was making sure no one felt forgotten.
I thought love was making sure everyone got along and stayed happy.

I thought love was doing.

We repeat what was transferred to us from previous generations and without understanding, we repeat it even when we think we aren’t. That isn’t to blame our parents or grandparents because I think we’re all just trying to do the best we can. That doesn’t make it okay. It doesn’t excuse that I should have known better.

When your children are young, your job is to keep them safe. Our responsibility is to protect our family. When you were little, that made sense. But somewhere along the way, that role began to shift.

Over time, my identity came from keeping everyone around me safe and happy. Sometimes that meant invalidating emotions and unintentionally taking away your freedom to make choices—especially ones I thought were wrong.

I didn’t realize I was building my identity around you—
which probably often felt like I was trying to control.

But I didn’t leave enough space for you to choose me.

So when I was told I was a lot, it didn’t just hurt.
It collapsed the whole structure.

If love wasn’t wanted, then what did I have to give? Who was I?

Here’s the part I didn’t understand then—but am learning now:

Intent doesn’t cancel impact.

I wasn’t trying to control.
I wasn’t trying to crowd.
I wasn’t trying to demand closeness

I confused doing with connection.
I confused effort with safety.

I see now that love also needs restraint.
That closeness grows where there is freedom to choose.
That people don’t pull away because they aren’t loved—
but because they don’t feel free.

A Hard Lesson to Learn:

You didn’t pull back because I failed to love you.
You pulled back because I didn’t know how to stop loving at you instead of with you.

I’m learning now—late, imperfectly—to sit instead of reach.
To wait instead of anticipate.
To trust that I don’t have to prove my place.

I don’t know what repair looks like yet, but understanding is reshaping how I love.

With All My Love

Mom

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Niceness Protects Comfort, Kindness Calls for Courage

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn balancing faith, Belonging, Christian Living, Grace and Ground Series, Rooted in WorthLeave a comment

Many of us learned that being “nice” was the safest way to survive—don’t rock the boat, don’t upset anyone, don’t say no. But what if kindness isn’t about staying quiet, and instead calls us to honesty, boundaries, and courage?

Kindness is deeper and rooted in character. It involves empathy, integrity, and sometimes truth-telling or setting boundaries—even when that’s uncomfortable. Kindness looks at what is truly good or loving in the long run, not just what feels pleasant in the moment.

Niceness, on the other hand, is often about keeping things agreeable, even when it’s not entirely honest. Sometimes it comes from feeling like our worth depends on others’ approval. Other times, niceness arises from noticing that others aren’t yet ready for something, or from seeing them as less than ourselves—not out of malice or judgment, but from a desire to guide, support, and help them grow. Even so, it can still be rooted in devaluing the other person or creating dependence, rather than empowering them to step into their own strength.

I often find myself overcommitted because I want to be nice and offer support. I don’t want to disappoint people or have them think I don’t care, so my instinct is to say yes when someone asks for help. I truly want to make things easier for them—but I’ve learned that saying yes isn’t always the kindest choice.

Sometimes, stepping in for someone who is capable of handling a task themselves—especially when they’re learning or growing—relieves their discomfort in the moment but also robs them of the chance to develop confidence, problem-solving skills, or responsibility. Niceness may smooth things over temporarily, but kindness looks at what’s truly helpful in the long run. In that space of learning, discomfort often appears as frustration—something we naturally want to fix for them. Yet when we step in to ease that frustration, we’re often more concerned with regulating our own emotions than supporting their growth. We feel uncomfortable that they are frustrated. In trying to make things “easy” for them, we unintentionally take away the opportunity for them to navigate the challenge themselves—and in doing so, we gain comfort at the expense of their development.

Going back to my personal example: Saying yes when I’m already overloaded doesn’t just add one task—it quietly builds stress from the accumulation of many small demands. Choosing kindness sometimes means saying no—not because I don’t care, but because I care enough about both of us to allow growth instead of rescuing.

Jesus was kind—but He was not always nice.

In Mark 10:17–22, a rich young ruler comes to Jesus asking about eternal life. Jesus looks at him and loves him—and then says the hard thing:

“One thing you lack… go, sell everything you have and give to the poor.”

Jesus doesn’t soften the truth to keep the man comfortable. He doesn’t chase him down or reframe the message when the man walks away sad. That would have been nice.

Instead, Jesus is kind. He tells the truth that invites transformation, even though it costs the relationship in that moment. Jesus doesn’t prioritize being agreeable but instead prioritizes truth in loving kindness rather than shallow agreeableness or niceness.

We should strive for kindness while acknowledging a human reality: there are moments when we’re tired, triggered, overwhelmed, or unable to show deep compassion. In those moments, the minimum standard becomes niceness—choosing not to be cruel, dismissive, or reactive.

Even when it’s difficult, we always have a choice in how we treat others. Kindness asks more of us than niceness ever could—it calls us to be truthful, compassionate, and brave. Choosing kindness shapes not only the lives of those around us, but also the person we are becoming.

A Gift That Changes Everything: Love, Freedom, and Hope

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Belonging, Biblical Reflections, Decision Making, Devotionals, Faith and Spiritual Growth, Faith TensionsLeave a comment

From Manger to Cross: The Story That Changes Everything

As we pause under the glow of twinkling lights, hum along to familiar carols, gather with people we love, and breathe in the beauty of it all, we remember that Christmas isn’t only a celebration of a birth — it’s the opening chapter of the greatest redemption story ever told, a story that stretches beyond Bethlehem, through the cross, and into the hope of the empty tomb.

And in the midst of the celebration, I hope you find even one quiet moment to remember this:
You are deeply, immeasurably loved by God.
A God who entered our world not as a distant deity, but as a baby — 100% human, yet 100% God — the very mystery upon which our faith rests. He felt hunger and exhaustion, joy and betrayal, laughter and tears. He walked where we walk, lived as we live — but remained without sin — so that His death could pay the price ours never could.

This is Christmas. This is Easter. This is love.

God’s Love at the Center

At the heart of the Christian story is this truth: God’s love is universal and unconditional. It is not reserved for a select few, nor does it depend on our perfection. God loves us as we are — broken, searching, and in need of grace.

This love is beautifully expressed in John 3:16:
“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Notice the words “the world” and “whoever believes” — they remind us that God’s love reaches every person, everywhere. The promise of eternal life isn’t earned; it’s received through faith. All that is needed is to believe — to trust in Jesus Christ as Savior. There are no boundaries, no exclusions, only an open invitation to respond.

And here’s something remarkable: God’s love never coerces. Love, by its very nature, invites rather than forces. God gives us the freedom to choose Him. He opens the door, but we decide whether to walk through it. This freedom is a gift — a reflection of His respect for us and His desire for a genuine relationship, not one built on obligation.

Romans 5:8 echoes this truth:
“But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

From Birth to Cross: The Journey of Redemption

The Incarnation — God the Son in the person of Jesus Christ — is the foundation of salvation. When Jesus entered our world as a baby, He didn’t come as a distant deity or an untouchable figure. He came as one of us, fully human, experiencing all that we’ve experienced: hunger, fatigue, joy, sorrow, betrayal, etc. This was not a symbolic gesture; it was a deliberate act of love. By stepping into our humanity, Jesus identified with our struggles and lived the life we could not live — perfectly sinless. He experienced the sensations without becoming sinful.

But the manger was never the final destination. The cradle leads to the cross. Christmas and Easter are inseparably linked because the birth of Christ set the stage for His ultimate mission: to die for our sins and rise again. Without Easter, Christmas would be incomplete. The joy of His birth finds its fulfillment in the victory of His resurrection.

The Incarnation shows us that God’s plan was personal and costly. He didn’t send an angel or a message; He came Himself. And by doing so, He made salvation possible — bridging the gap between a holy God and a broken humanity.

As we move beyond the Christmas season and look toward Easter, let’s remember this truth: The gift of the manger becomes the hope of the empty tomb. The story begins with God with us and ends with God for us — offering forgiveness, freedom, and eternal life.

Key Doctrines Explained Simply

The story of redemption is rich with meaning, and three words help us understand what Christ accomplished for us: Justification, Propitiation, and Reconciliation. These theological terms describe the heart of God’s love and the freedom He offers.

Justification: Declared Righteous

Justification means that through faith in Jesus, we are declared righteous before God. It’s not because of what we’ve done, but because of what Christ has done. His perfect life and sacrificial death remove the guilt of sin.
Freedom link: We are no longer bound by condemnation. We stand forgiven and accepted — free to live without fear of judgment.

Propitiation: The Perfect Sacrifice

Propitiation means that Jesus’ death satisfied God’s justice and removed His wrath against sin. This wasn’t about appeasing an angry God; it was about a holy God providing the solution Himself.

Love link: God didn’t demand payment from us — He paid it Himself through Christ. This is love in its purest form: costly, sacrificial, and complete.

Reconciliation: Restored Relationship

Reconciliation means that the barrier between God and humanity has been removed. Through Jesus, we are invited back into relationship with Him.

Choice link: God opens the door wide, but He never forces us through it. Love always invites, never coerces. The gift is offered freely — and we are free to respond.

These truths remind us that salvation is not just a theological concept; it’s a personal reality. God’s love makes a way, and His grace gives us freedom.

The Gift That Invites Response

God’s gift of salvation is offered freely — no strings attached, no prerequisites, no earning required. It is grace in its purest form. But here’s the truth about love: it always invites a response. Love never forces, never manipulates. God opens His arms wide, yet He leaves the choice to us.

This is the beauty of freedom in Christ. We are not robots programmed to obey; we are people created to love and choose. The question is: How will we respond to this gift?

Take a moment to reflect:

  • What does freedom in Christ mean for me today?
  • Does it mean living without fear of condemnation?
  • Does it mean embracing forgiveness and letting go of guilt?
  • Does it mean walking in hope, even when life feels uncertain?

Freedom in Christ is not just a theological concept — it’s a daily reality. It shapes how we live, how we love, and how we face tomorrow. The gift is yours. The choice is yours. Will you receive it?

Looking Ahead: Living in the Light of Easter

The story that began in a manger does not end at the cross. It bursts forth in the empty tomb — the ultimate victory over sin and death. Easter reminds us that the hope of resurrection is not just for Jesus; it’s for all who believe. Because He lives, we have the promise of eternal life. This is the anchor for our faith and the reason we can face tomorrow with confidence.

But this hope is not only about the future; it transforms how we live today. Freedom in Christ means we are no longer slaves to fear, guilt, or condemnation. It means we can walk in grace, knowing we are loved and forgiven. And it calls us to live daily in gratitude — to let every choice, every word, and every act reflect the joy of redemption.

So as we move toward Easter, let’s live as people of hope. Let’s embrace the freedom Christ has given us and share His love with a world that desperately needs it. The gift has been given. The victory is secure.

All Scripture quotations are taken from the NIV 10th Anniversary Study Bible.

🕊️ Breaking the Habit of Over-Apologizing — Peace from the Inside Out

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn balancing faith, Belonging, Biblical Reflections, Communication, Faith Tensions, RelationshipsLeave a comment

Part of the “Regulation from the Inside Out” Series

If you’ve ever apologized for things that didn’t require an apology — “Sorry for asking,” “Sorry I took too long,” “Sorry you felt that way” — you’re not alone.

For many of us, saying sorry becomes a way to smooth discomfort, manage others’ emotions, or avoid the fear of rejection. But when apology becomes a reflex, it can shrink the space you’re meant to occupy and quiet the voice God has given you.

When Apologizing Crosses Into Over-Apologizing

A healthy apology restores connection and acknowledges harm.
Over-apologizing, however, often comes from insecurity — a nervous system trying to regulate relational tension.

You might not even notice until you hear yourself saying, “I’m sorry” for something that isn’t yours to own.

Over-apologizing can sound like:

  • “Sorry for talking too much.”
  • “Sorry for needing help.”
  • “Sorry if that upset you.”

Each one subtly communicates: I’m afraid my presence is too much.

Here’s the truth: God never asks us to apologize for existing.

What Over-Apologizing Reveals About Us

Over-apologizing doesn’t mean we’re weak or overly emotional — it often reflects how our nervous system learned to stay safe. For many, “sorry” becomes a bridge to peace, a way to ease tension or prevent rejection which only leads to unhealthy relationships.

The sorry bridge leads to unhealthy relationships

But beneath the surface, over-apologizing can reveal deeper patterns:

  • We associate peace with approval. Somewhere along the way, we learned that keeping others comfortable helped us feel safe. Apology became a way to maintain connection.
  • We fear being misunderstood or rejected. Apologizing quickly can feel like a shield against judgment.
  • We’ve internalized responsibility for others’ emotions. Especially if we grew up managing other people’s reactions, saying sorry can feel like a reflex to keep the peace.
  • We may struggle with self-trust. Over-apologizing can signal uncertainty about our right to take up space or to have needs and opinions.
  • Our nervous system is trying to regulate tension. Often, this is a fawn response — a survival strategy that uses appeasement to reduce perceived threat.

When we move through life constantly apologizing, a deeper unconscious lens can form: we begin to feel that we are in the way, a nuisance, that our presence is a burden. Over time, this teaches us to shrink, to speak less, and to over-apologize just to keep the peace.

But that is not how God sees us. You were never meant to apologize for existing. You were created on purpose, for purpose (Ephesians 2:10). Healing from over-apologizing isn’t about becoming louder or defensive — it’s about remembering that your presence is not a problem to fix. It’s a reflection of God’s intentional design.

Peace begins when we start seeing ourselves the way He does — worthy of space, belonging, and grace.

The Spiritual and Emotional Cost of Over-Apologizing

When we carry responsibility for others’ emotions, we step outside the boundaries designed for us.
It’s not our job to regulate someone else’s reactions — only our own responses.

Jesus modeled humility, not self-erasure. He acknowledged when others were hurt, but He also stood firm in His truth, even when misunderstood or rejected.

Over-apologizing, like over-explaining, can be a nervous system pattern learned from early experiences — times when safety felt tied to keeping others comfortable or avoiding blame. Recognizing this is the first step toward reclaiming your space and your peace.

Practicing the Sacred Pause

Before reflexively apologizing, pause and ask yourself:

  • “Did I truly cause harm, or am I feeling uncomfortable?”
  • “Is this apology about restoring connection, or about avoiding tension?”
  • “Could gratitude or clarity communicate this better?”

For example:

  • Instead of “Sorry for bothering you,” try “Thank you for your time.”
  • Instead of “Sorry if that didn’t make sense,” try “Let me explain that more clearly.”

This shift maintains respect while preserving your internal calm.

Centered Presence

“In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength.” — (Isaiah 30:15, NKJ

Peace isn’t earned by apology — it’s cultivated from the inside out. When we quiet the urge to manage others’ emotions, we create room for authentic connection and grounded presence.

Reflection

This week, notice your use of the word “sorry.”
Ask yourself: What emotion or thought comes before it? Fear? Guilt? A desire to be liked?

Turn that moment into an internal check or prayer:
“Teach me to speak from peace, not fear. Help me offer genuine apologies when needed and stand quietly when none are required.”

Affirmation: I can walk in humility without shrinking. My peace doesn’t depend on everyone’s approval — it’s grounded in my presence and inner calm.

Knowing Yourself from the Inside Out

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Belonging, Biblical Reflections, Communication, Decision Making, Identity, Relationships, Repairer of Broken Walls, Responsibility, Self Care1 Comment

Part of the “Regulation from the Inside Out” Series

Introduction

Our emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations are more than just experiences—they are signals that tell us something important about who we are and what we value. Paying attention to these signals can help us understand our beliefs, guide our choices, and improve our relationships with others. Let’s explore how these internal cues help us identify our values, regulate ourselves, and connect with others more effectively.

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.“ – (Zondervan, 2000, Psalm 139:23-24).

This verse reminds us that God invites us to examine our inner world—our emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations—so we can understand ourselves more fully and live in alignment with His guidance.

1. What Your Heart Tells You

Emotions often reveal what truly matters to us:

  • Feeling upset when someone is treated unfairly may signal that justice and fairness are core values for you.
  • Feeling proud when helping someone may indicate that compassion and service are central to your beliefs.

Research by Strachan et al. (2025) explains that emotions act as a self-regulatory system. They signal when our actions align—or don’t align—with our values and identity.

Practical Tip: Keep a small journal to note emotional reactions during your day. Ask yourself: What does this emotion reveal about what I care about most? Don’t be afraid to dig deeper, asking “Why?” until you get to the core belief.

  • Me: “It feels good to help others.”
  • Why does it feel good to help others?”
  • Answer: “Because I feel like I’m making a difference.”
  • Why is making a difference important to me?”
  • Answer: “Because I want to be someone who contributes to others’ well-being.”
  • Why do I want to contribute to others’ well-being?”
  • Answer: “Because I value kindness and being meaningful in the lives of others.”

Insight: This emotion is pointing to my core value: valuing kindness and making a positive impact.

2. Inside Out: Identity in Action

Bodily sensations—tight shoulders, racing heart, or a sense of calm—also communicate information about our values and beliefs. Lu et al. (2025) found that how we perceive our bodies is closely tied to our sense of self. For example:

  • Tension or discomfort during a choice might indicate conflict with your values.
  • Feeling relaxed or energized during certain activities often shows alignment with what truly matters to you.

Practical Tip: Pause during stressful or important moments to notice what your body is telling you. Are there areas of tension or sensations of ease? Reflect on how these relate to your values.

3. The Self as Garden: Cultivating Awareness Through Emotion, Thought, and Sensation

Emotions and bodily sensations rarely exist in isolation—they interact with our thoughts. Thoughts can amplify, diminish, or interpret what we feel in our bodies. For example:

  • Feeling anxious about a conversation may be intensified if your thoughts assume the worst.
  • Feeling joy during a kind act is enhanced when you reflect on the positive impact of your behavior.

By noticing the interplay between thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations, you gain insight into your core beliefs, values, and identity. This awareness also supports self-regulation: understanding the roots of our emotions helps us respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.

Emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations together act as both a mirror and a compass—reflecting who we are and guiding us toward choices that are authentic and value-driven.

Practical Tip: When strong emotions arise, pause and ask: What is this feeling telling me about what I believe or value? How does it reflect who I am at my core? What thoughts are influencing how I feel and respond?

4. The Awareness Advantage: Building Stronger Bonds Through Self-Knowledge

Recognizing your internal signals not only helps you understand yourself but also improves how you relate to others. This connects to ideas from Tone, Timing, and Truth: Choosing Words that Connect. Just as words, tone, and body language can build bridges or create walls, being aware of your emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations allows you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

For example:

  • Feeling tension when someone challenges your perspective may indicate a core value is being triggered. Pausing to notice this before speaking allows you to respond calmly and clearly.
  • Feeling ease or warmth in a conversation can signal alignment with shared values, helping you reinforce connection and collaboration.

By combining self-awareness with mindful communication—paying attention to thoughts, emotions, body signals, tone, and timing—you can foster dialogue, avoid misunderstandings, and build stronger, more authentic relationships.

Practical Tip: Before responding in a challenging conversation, check in with yourself: Which of my values is being triggered, what thoughts are influencing my emotions, and how can I respond in a way that reflects my principles while respecting the other person?

Conclusion

Emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations are powerful tools for discovering your core values and beliefs. By paying attention to them, you can:

  • Understand yourself better
  • Make value-driven choices
  • Respond thoughtfully in relationships
  • Communicate with clarity and empathy

Cultivating this awareness creates a clearer sense of who you are and how you want to show up in the world.

What patterns do you notice in your thoughts, emotions, or bodily reactions that reveal your core values, and how could this awareness guide your actions and relationships moving forward?

References

Lu, J., Riecke, L., Ryan, B. E., & de Gelder, B. (2025). The contribution of body perception to self-identity: An event-related potential study. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 20(1), nsaf020. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsaf020

Strachan, S. M., Vega, V. Z., Kullman, S. M., Yarema, A., Dobrovolskyi, M., & Patson, C. (2025). Explaining the self-regulatory role of affect in identity theory: The role of self-compassion. British Journal of Health Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjhp.12783

Zondervan. (2000). The NIV Study Bible (10th Anniversary ed.). Zondervan.

Embracing Truth and Love

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn balancing faith, Belonging, Biblical Reflections, Christian Living, Devotionals, Faith and Spiritual Growth, Faith Tensions, Love, Relationships, Repairer of Broken WallsLeave a comment

As we reflect on the past couple of weeks, Tony Evans reminds us in Kingdom Race Theology that God’s kingdom is not just about fixing human-made divisions, but about Christ-centered reconciliation (Evans, 2022). In Ephesians 2:19–22, Paul writes that in Christ we are “no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people.” The foundation of the church isn’t built on cultural identity, social position, or political identity—it’s built on Christ, the cornerstone who joins us together as one dwelling place for God.

That truth feels especially urgent at the moment. We’re living in a time when fear, anger, and suspicion run high, and the fractures in our culture keep widening. It’s easy to sort people into camps or to see enemies instead of neighbors. Critical voices often frame life as a battle of groups against groups, but the Bible reminds us that the real enemy is sin itself. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12). Colossians 1:21–22 reminds us that we were once alienated from God, but through Christ we’ve been reconciled and made holy. And that reconciliation doesn’t just restore our relationship with God—it also calls us to be reconciled with one another.

Evans challenges us to live as “new creations” in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:16–19; Evans, 2022). That means we don’t reduce people to categories or labels, but see them through the lens of Christ’s redemption. For those of us who follow Jesus—and especially for Christians working in broken systems—this is more than theory. It’s a calling to be different, to live as people of peace in a world that seems to be tearing itself apart.

And here’s the hard part: living this out means holding truth and love together. Truth without love can cut deeply and divide even further. Love without truth can blur lines and leave people lost and stuck in patterns of sin. Jesus embodied both perfectly—He never compromised truth, yet He consistently met people with compassion. The story of the woman caught in adultery is a powerful example of how Jesus blended truth and love (John 8:2-11). In that moment, Jesus called out the hypocrisy of the accusers. Without excusing the woman’s sin, Jesus boldly confronted the hypocrisy of the crowd, causing those in the crowd to lay down their stones and walk away. Then turned to the woman with compassion, saying, “Then neither do I condemn you, . . . Go now and leave your life of sin.” That’s the balance we need when the voices around us are loud, sharp, and sometimes violent.

So maybe the real question for us isn’t just about structures or even politics. Maybe it’s about how we choose to respond when everything around us feels unstable. Do you tend to lean on truth over love or love over truth? Do you need to strive for a more balanced response? Where is God calling you to speak truth in love this week? To anchor yourself in Christ when the ground around us feels shaky?

Closing Prayer
Lord, in a world filled with fear, division, and uncertainty, anchor us in Your truth and surround us with Your love. Teach us to see our neighbors not as enemies but as fellow image-bearers in need of Your grace. Give us courage to speak truth, humility to listen well, and compassion to carry Your love in ways that bring transformation. May Christ remain our cornerstone. Amen.

References

Zondervan. (1995). The NIV study Bible (K. Barker, Ed.; Anniversary ed.). (Original work published 1978)

Evans, T. (2022). Kingdom race theology: God’s answer to our racial crisis. Moody Press

Note. Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version® (NIV). Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Truth and Love Balanced

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Biblical Reflections, Christian Living, Decision Making, Devotionals, Faith and Spiritual Growth, Relationships, Repairer of Broken Walls, Uncategorized

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Love and Belonging

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Belonging, Love, Self-Care, Uncategorized1 Comment

Brene’ Brown, said that you can never love others more than you love yourself; not even our children. As I sit and let that thought thump around in my brain for a while another thought develops. I think if it’s their life or mine on the line then without question I choose their life to protect. But if it’s in the day to day stuff that most of us deal with then perhaps Brene’ is right. She provides an example of a child coming home from school upset because no one sat with her at lunch. This event triggers in mom unconscious feelings of when she felt left out of the group at school and so responds to her daughter by saying something about combing her hair and dressing better.

Mom had never processed her own thoughts of self-blame and feelings of being unlovable. Therefore, she was unable to demonstrate to her daughter unconditional love in that instance. Now, I believe, if someone were to have asked mom in this instance if she loved her daughter unconditionally she would without hesitation say yes. And if mom had been able to slow down the process she would have absolutely responded with a hug acknowledging hurt feelings and said, “you are perfect the way you are whether or not the others in your class recognize it.”

Maybe this example doesn’t resonant with you but there are a thousand of other scenarios where this could absolutely play out. And it doesn’t just play out in our relationships with our children but in all of our relationships.

Where does this sense of love and belonging originate? For most of us, it is imperfectly played out in our families of origin. But as none of our predecessors have experienced perfect unconditional love they were unable to demonstrate such a love to us. And we are unable to perfectly demonstrate it to those with whom we are in relationship. So, again, where does this sense of love and belonging originate in our individual lives?

For me, it’s recognizing that I am loved by a God that sent his Son to die so that I might choose to accept the love he unconditionally provides me. It’s believerlasting loveeving that this God that sent his Son knows me so well that he can tell me how many hairs are on my head at any given moment (Luke 12:7 NIV®). It’s knowing that God knows when I’m being productive and when I’m being unproductive; He knows when my thoughts drift away from him (Psalm 139:2 NLT). Yet, he says “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3) whether anyone else chooses to sit with you at lunch or not.

So when that ugly feeling of being unloveable wells up inside of me causing me to lash out at others, I will work to slow down the process and remind myself that I am loved regardless of what is going on around or in me.