Part of the “Regulation from the Inside Out” Series
Recognizing and Reframing Divisive Language
Words are powerful. They can build bridges or create walls. Often, it’s not just what we say but how we say it that determines whether a conversation moves toward understanding or toward division. One of my oft-quoted statements when working with clients (and for myself) is timing and tone. What we say matters, but how and when we say it often matters more. By paying attention to the language patterns we use — and the ones we hear — we can create space for dialogue instead of conflict.
Communication research underscores this point. According to Mehrabian (1971), only about 7% of a message comes from the actual words used. Tone of voice carries about 38%, and body language about 55%. That means more than 90% of how a message is received depends on delivery. When our tone is sharp, dismissive, or superior, the words themselves often don’t even matter — the message is already lost.
Common Patterns That Divide
Here are some of the most common ways language creates “us vs. them” dynamics:
Us vs. Them Language
- “Those people are ruining everything.”
- “People like that are destroying this ______ (fill in the blank).”
Absolute or All-or-Nothing Statements
- “If you don’t agree with ____(ideology), you’re part of the problem.”
- “Everyone who thinks that way is ignorant.”
Blame-First Framing
- “It’s your side’s fault that things are this way.”
- Statements that start with you are often viewed as negative or attacking.
Dismissive or Belittling Phrases
- “That’s just stupid.”
- “That’s your guy.” (reducing someone to guilt by association).
Moral Superiority Claims
- “We’re the only ones who really care about the truth.”
- “I can’t understand how they can think that way.”
Loaded Labels
- “Typical elitist thinking.”
- “You sound like a conspiracy theorist.”
Exclusionary Ownership of Identity
- “Real Americans don’t think like that.”
- “No true Christian would think that.”
Fear-Based Predictions
- “If people like you get your way, this country is finished.”
- “If this continues, our whole way of life will be destroyed.”
These statements tend to shut down conversation and harden positions. They don’t just describe differences — they deepen divides.
Becoming Aware of These Patterns
The first step is noticing. A few cues that divisive language may be at play:
- Extreme words like always, never, everyone, no one.
- In-group/out-group framing such as people like you or those people.
- Labels that oversimplify or demean.
It can also help to reflect after a conversation: Did my words invite dialogue, or did they put someone on the defensive? Paying attention to how people respond is one of the best indicators.
Recognizing When Not to Engage
Not every conversation is ready for reframing. Sometimes people use divisive language not to connect but simply to argue. A few cues that may signal this:
- The person repeats the same point without responding to what you’ve said.
- They only escalate in tone or volume rather than consider your perspective.
- They dismiss any effort to find common ground.
In these moments, it’s often healthier to pause, disengage respectfully, or simply say, “I don’t think this is a helpful conversation right now.” Choosing not to engage isn’t weakness — it’s wisdom. It leaves the door open for dialogue later, when emotions may be calmer and openness greater.
How to Respond Differently
Shifting language doesn’t mean watering down convictions — it means expressing them in ways that invite conversation rather than close it off.
From “us vs. them” → to shared identity
- Instead of: “Those people are ruining everything.”
- Try: “I think we both care deeply about this issue, even if our approaches are different.”
From absolutes → to nuance
- Instead of: “Everyone who thinks that is ignorant.”
- Try: “I know people who see this differently, but they still share some of the same concerns.”
From blame → to ownership + curiosity
- Instead of: “It’s your side’s fault.”
- Try: “I think there are mistakes on both sides. What do you think could be done differently?”
From dismissal → to acknowledgment
- Instead of: “That’s just stupid.”
- Try: “That feels important to you — can you tell me more about why?”
- Instead of: “That’s your leader.”
- Try: “This person isn’t my hero, and I don’t agree with everything they’ve done. Leaders on both sides are flawed — I’m more interested in talking about the issues rather than defending a personality.”
From superiority → to humility
- Instead of: “Real people would never think that.”
- Try: “From my experience, I’ve come to see it this way — what has shaped your perspective?”
From loaded labels → to respectful curiosity
- Instead of: “You sound like a conspiracy theorist.”
- Try: “That’s a strong word. Can you explain what you mean by it?”
From exclusionary ownership of identity → to shared belonging
- Instead of: “No true Christian would think that.”
- Try: “People who share my faith (or identity) often see this in many different ways.”
From fear-based predictions → to hopeful possibilities
- Instead of: “If this continues, our whole way of life will be destroyed.”
- Try: “I hear your concern. What kind of future would you like to see, and how can we work toward that?”
These reframes aren’t just about choosing different words — they’re about changing the tone and even the body language that carries them. A calm voice, open posture, and humility in delivery make the words easier to receive.
Habits That Help
- Pause before responding. Ask yourself: Am I escalating or bridging?
- Practice reframing. Take a divisive phrase you hear and imagine a more constructive version.
- Seek common ground first. Start with shared values, like fairness, safety, or hope.
- Invite dialogue. Use questions such as “What experiences shaped your view?”
Final Thought
Divisive language is easy — it slips out when we’re frustrated, fearful, or defensive. But paying attention to our words gives us the chance to build connections rather than deepen divides. As Paul reminds us, “Everything is permissible — but not everything is beneficial” (1 Corinthians 10:23, Christian Standard Bible). The challenge isn’t just whether we can say something — it’s whether saying it will be helpful and healing.
References
Mehrabian, A. (1971). Silent messages. Wadsworth.
Holman Bible Publishers. (2017). Christian Standard Bible. Holman Bible Publishers. (Original work published 2017)