Tag: Emotions

A Letter to My Children

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Being Present, Bowen Family Therapy, Communication, Faith Tensions, Family, ParentingLeave a comment

Sometimes, I realize, I can be a lot for you—more than you asked for, more than you needed.

In an attempt to make sure that everyone gets what they need, I reach out early, plan ahead, and try to identify what could go wrong so I can fix it before it even happens. What I didn’t understand was that what felt like love to me felt like pressure to you.

For a long time, I didn’t really understand what you were trying to say.
I didn’t get it.

I didn’t know that love can also feel like there’s no room to breathe.

I thought love was showing up prepared.
I thought love was remembering what everyone liked.
I thought love was making sure no one felt forgotten.
I thought love was making sure everyone got along and stayed happy.

I thought love was doing.

We repeat what was transferred to us from previous generations and without understanding, we repeat it even when we think we aren’t. That isn’t to blame our parents or grandparents because I think we’re all just trying to do the best we can. That doesn’t make it okay. It doesn’t excuse that I should have known better.

When your children are young, your job is to keep them safe. Our responsibility is to protect our family. When you were little, that made sense. But somewhere along the way, that role began to shift.

Over time, my identity came from keeping everyone around me safe and happy. Sometimes that meant invalidating emotions and unintentionally taking away your freedom to make choices—especially ones I thought were wrong.

I didn’t realize I was building my identity around you—
which probably often felt like I was trying to control.

But I didn’t leave enough space for you to choose me.

So when I was told I was a lot, it didn’t just hurt.
It collapsed the whole structure.

If love wasn’t wanted, then what did I have to give? Who was I?

Here’s the part I didn’t understand then—but am learning now:

Intent doesn’t cancel impact.

I wasn’t trying to control.
I wasn’t trying to crowd.
I wasn’t trying to demand closeness

I confused doing with connection.
I confused effort with safety.

I see now that love also needs restraint.
That closeness grows where there is freedom to choose.
That people don’t pull away because they aren’t loved—
but because they don’t feel free.

A Hard Lesson to Learn:

You didn’t pull back because I failed to love you.
You pulled back because I didn’t know how to stop loving at you instead of with you.

I’m learning now—late, imperfectly—to sit instead of reach.
To wait instead of anticipate.
To trust that I don’t have to prove my place.

I don’t know what repair looks like yet, but understanding is reshaping how I love.

With All My Love

Mom

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How Language Shapes Depression: When Words Keep Us Stuck—or Help Us Heal

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Christian Living, Decision Making, Faith Tensions, Mental Health and Wellness, Personal Growth, Self CareLeave a comment

In previous posts, we explored what depression is, how it presents, and how treatment and coping strategies can support recovery. In this post, we’ll look at a less obvious—but powerful—factor in depression: language.

Specifically, we’ll explore how the words people use internally (self‑talk) and externally (how they describe their experiences to others) can contribute to depression—or, in some cases, help loosen its grip.

This isn’t about “positive thinking.” Depression is not caused by negative language, and it can’t be cured by simply changing words. But research shows that language plays an important role in how emotions are experienced, interpreted, and regulated.

A Cautionary Example: Language and Thought in 1984

George Orwell’s 1984 offers a striking illustration of how language can shape inner experience. In the novel, the totalitarian government of Oceania develops Newspeak, a simplified form of English designed to limit what people can think.

Words associated with freedom, resistance, or individuality are stripped down or eliminated altogether. As a result, citizens don’t just avoid rebellious thoughts—they gradually lose the ability to form them at all. By narrowing language, the government narrows thought (Orwell, 1949).

Depression is not a political system, but the parallel is useful. Depression often narrows the language people use to describe themselves and their experiences, making thoughts more absolute, rigid, and identity‑based.

How Depression Shows Up in Language

People with depression frequently use language that reflects the intensity and persistence of their symptoms:

  • “I’m broken.”
  • “Nothing ever works out.”
  • “This is just who I am.”

These statements are not exaggerations or cognitive errors in the moment—they are expressions of genuine distress. Depression tends to pull emotional states into identity, making temporary experiences feel permanent and defining.

Over time, such language can reinforce feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, even when circumstances change.

This is where psychological research on affect labeling and language framing becomes relevant.

For someone like Sammy, this often sounds like identity‑level statements rather than descriptions of experience. During depressive episodes, Sammy’s thoughts shift from “I feel exhausted and discouraged” to “I’m broken” or “This is just who I am,” even though those thoughts tend to soften during periods of remission.

Affect Labeling: Naming Feelings Without Becoming Them

Affect labeling refers to the process of identifying and naming emotions with words. According to Givon, Meiran, and Goldenberg (2024), affect labeling is not just descriptive—it actively shapes emotional experience.

Research shows that when people label emotions (e.g., “I feel sad,” “I feel overwhelmed”), emotional intensity often decreases slightly, and emotional experiences become more manageable. Importantly, this occurs without requiring problem‑solving or reframing.

In depression, this distinction matters:

  • “I am hopeless” suggests a fixed identity.
  • “I feel hopeless right now” describes an emotional state.

The second does not minimize suffering. Instead, it introduces a small but meaningful separation between the person and the symptom. This separation can reduce emotional fusion and support regulation over time (Givon et al., 2024).

For Sammy, learning to say “I feel hopeless right now” instead of “I am hopeless” doesn’t remove the pain—but it helps keep the feeling from becoming a permanent definition of self.

Language Framing and Depressive Self‑Talk

Beyond labeling emotions, how experiences are framed in language also influences mood and meaning.

A comprehensive review by Flusberg and colleagues (2024) shows that subtle differences in wording—such as absolutes (“always,” “never”), scope (“everything,” “nothing”), and identity‑based phrasing (“I am”)—can significantly affect how situations are perceived and emotionally processed.

Depression tends to favor language that is:

  • Global
  • Permanent
  • Self‑defining

This kind of framing can make depression feel inescapable, even when treatment, support, or improvement is underway.

Language as One Supportive Tool—Not a Cure

It’s important to be clear: changing language is not a standalone treatment for depression. Depression is a multifactorial condition influenced by biology, psychology, and environment.

However, research suggests that adjusting how emotions and experiences are put into words can support other treatment approaches by:

  • Reducing emotional overwhelm
  • Increasing psychological flexibility
  • Helping individuals separate symptoms from identity

Language doesn’t create recovery—but it can help create space for it.

An Integrated Design: Emotions, Body, Thoughts, and Behavior

From a Christian perspective, this interconnectedness is not accidental. Scripture consistently presents human beings as whole and integrated, not divided into separate compartments of mind, body, and soul. God created us with emotions, physiological responses, thoughts, and behaviors that are meant to interact with one another.

When we experience something emotionally, our bodies respond. Our thoughts interpret what’s happening. Our behaviors follow. This system was designed for connection, protection, and growth—but depression can disrupt how smoothly these parts work together.

In depression, emotions may feel overwhelming or numb, the body may feel exhausted or tense, thoughts may become rigid or self‑critical, and behaviors may shrink or withdraw. Language sits at the intersection of these systems. The words we use shape how emotions are interpreted, how the body responds, and how we act.

This doesn’t mean that changing language overrides biology or eliminates suffering. Rather, it reflects how God designed us: what happens in one part of us often affects the others. When language becomes rigid and absolute, it can reinforce emotional distress. When language allows for nuance and experience without identity fusion, it can support regulation and healing alongside treatment.

Understanding this interconnected design helps explain why depression feels so pervasive—and why recovery often requires attention to more than one area at a time.

Language Shifts to Try (Optional and Flexible)

These examples are not rules or expectations. They are options that some people find helpful when depression makes thoughts feel rigid or overwhelming.

From identity to experience
“I am depressed” → “I’m experiencing depression right now”

From global to specific
“Nothing helps” → “This hasn’t helped yet”

From fused to labeled
“I can’t do this” → “I’m feeling overwhelmed and exhausted”

From certainty to acknowledgment
“This will never change” → “It feels hard to imagine change right now”

Even noticing how language shifts meaning—without forcing change—can be useful.

Closing Thought

Depression often narrows experience—emotionally, physically, cognitively, and behaviorally. Language is one place where that narrowing shows up, but it is also one place where space can begin to return.

This matters because we were created as integrated beings. Our emotions, physiological responses, thoughts, and behaviors are deeply connected by design. When one system is under strain, the others are affected as well.

What’s coming up

In next week’s post, we’ll explore this connection more directly—looking at how God designed the interaction between emotions, the body, thoughts, and behavior, and why addressing depression often requires attending to more than one of these systems at a time.

Want the full picture?
Start with Part 1 of our Depression Series: Beyond Sadness: Understanding Depression and Its Hidden Struggles. Then come back here for Part II of our Depression Series: Depression Treatment and Coping Strategies: Starting Small for Big Impact

If you found these strategies helpful, please like, share, and comment on this blog. Your support can make a difference for someone struggling with depression.

References

Flusberg, S. J., Holmes, K. J., Thibodeau, P. H., Nabi, R. L., & Matlock, T. (2024). The psychology o f framing: How everyday language shapes the way we think, feel, and act. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 25(3), 105–161.

Givon, E., Meiran, N., & Goldenberg, A. (2024). The process of affect labeling. Trends in Cognitive Sciences.

Orwell, G. (1949). Nineteen eighty‑four. Secker & Warburg.

From Helpless to Capable: Breaking Free from Old Messages (Part 1 of 2)

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Identity, Personal Growth1 Comment

Alex and Jordan, two friends, have been talking about a project they’ve both wanted to do for months. Finally, they decide it’s time. They head to the store together, buy all the supplies, and go home excited to start.

Each begins the project at their respective homes. Both encounter an obstacle—something they hadn’t anticipated. They step back, and here’s where the difference emerges.

  • Alex steps back and gets frustrated: “Why bother?” “This isn’t going to work.” Negative internal messages flood in.
  • Jordan, on the other hand, steps back and calmly considers options: “What’s another way to solve this?”

Fast forward to the next night. The two friends are texting. Jordan is sharing pictures of the completed project. Alex? Listing all the reasons the project couldn’t be finished.

What’s the difference? A sense of agency and a sense of locus of control.

What Are Agency and Locus of Control?

  • Agency: The ability to act intentionally and believe your actions matter.
    • Jordan operates with high agency: “I can figure this out.”
    • Alex struggles with low agency: “This is pointless.”
  • Locus of Control: Where you believe control lies.
    • Internal locus: “My actions shape my results.”
      • What I do matters because:
        • I believe effort leads to outcomes.
        • I see challenges as problems I can solve.
        • Success or failure is tied to my choices, not luck.
    • External locus: “Life happens to me.”
      • What I do doesn’t matter because:
        • Outcomes depend on luck, fate, or other people.
        • Obstacles feel like proof that I’m powerless.
        • Circumstances need to change before action happens.
    • Jordan leans internal; Alex leans external.

These two forces quietly determine whether someone becomes a “doer” or a “non-doer.”

Jordan: The Person Who Gets Things Done

  • Beliefs: “I have influence over outcomes.”
  • Behaviors:
    • Breaks big goals into small steps.
    • Seeks solutions instead of excuses.
    • Treats setbacks as feedback, not failure.
  • Mindset: “I can make progress even if it’s imperfect.”

Alex: The Person Who Doesn’t

  • Beliefs: “It’s out of my hands.”
  • Behaviors:
    • Overplans and procrastinates.
    • Focuses on obstacles instead of opportunities.
    • Waits for ideal conditions before acting.
  • Mindset: “Why bother? It won’t matter.”

Why This Matters

The gap between Alex and Jordan isn’t about intelligence or talent—it’s about belief systems. Agency and locus of control shape motivation, resilience, and life satisfaction. When these are compromised—often by early life experiences—the difference between “do” and “don’t” becomes a matter of mindset, not capability.

Practical Tips to Build Agency and Internal Locus

  • Start small: Like Jordan, set achievable goals and celebrate wins.
  • Reframe challenges: Ask, “What can I control here?”
  • Own your choices: Practice decision-making and accept outcomes.
  • Reflect on success: Identify what you did to make it happen.

Closing Thought

Alex and Jordan started with the same resources. One finished, one didn’t. The difference? Belief in control. People who do believe they can. People who don’t believe they can’t. The good news? Beliefs can change—agency is built one intentional choice at a time.

Curious why Alex and Jordan responded so differently to the same challenge? It’s not just personality—it’s programming. In Part 2, we’ll explore the hidden scripts written early in life that shape our sense of control and capability. These scripts can come from trauma or even overprotection—and they influence whether we believe we can succeed. Most importantly, we’ll share how to rewrite those scripts for a more empowered future.

If you find this helpful, please like, share, and comment on this blog. Your support can make a difference for someone struggling with depression

→ Read Part 2: From Helpless to Capable: Rewriting Your Life Script Publishes on Tuesday, January 27 at 10:00 am

When the End Justifies the Means: Why We Compromise Without Even Realizing It

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Belonging, Biblical Reflections, Christian Living, Decision Making, Faith and Spiritual Growth, Faith TensionsLeave a comment

Have you ever found yourself bending the rules just a little to get something done—maybe cutting corners on a project, stretching the truth, or skipping a step you knew mattered? You’re not alone. In today’s world, it often feels like success—promotions, good grades, or even family/friend approval (social media likes)—matters more than how we get there.

The word 'Integrity' illuminated on a wall, emphasizing the concept of honesty and strong moral principles.

This is the “end justifies the means” mentality. While it may seem harmless in small doses, this mindset quietly shapes how we live, work, and interact with others. The idea traces back to Niccolò Machiavelli, an Italian Renaissance philosopher. In his 1513 book The Prince, he argued that leaders sometimes must engage in morally questionable actions—deception, manipulation, or even cruelty—to maintain stability and achieve important goals. While he never used the exact phrase, the concept has since become shorthand for prioritizing outcomes over ethics. Understanding this origin helps us see that the tension between results and integrity is not new—but today, it shows up in ways that affect everyday life. (Machiavelli, 2024, Ch. 18, Kindle Locations 5427–5430).

An artistic representation of a figure holding scales, symbolizing justice and balance, with vibrant colors and abstract shapes in the background.

“Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are, and those few dare not oppose themselves to the opinion of the many, who have the majesty of the state to defend them; and in the actions of all men, and especially of princes, which it is not prudent to challenge, one judges by the result.” (Machiavelli, 2024, Ch. 18, Kindle Locations 5427–5430).

I first remember thinking about this principle as an undergrad at Southern Wesleyan University in one of Dr. Bob Black’s classes. I don’t recall the full context or even which class it was, but I do remember reflecting on it as an issue of integrity—something that truly matters and is worth being mindful about. As Proverbs 10:9 (NIV) reminds us, “Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out.”

Everyday Moments, Big Decisions

The “end justifies the means” mindset isn’t just for CEOs or politicians—it shows up in our daily lives:

Artistic depiction of a person with one hand on their face, divided into contrasting colors and themes, representing the duality of integrity and the 'end justifies the means' mentality.
  • A parent tells a little white lie to avoid conflict with a child.
  • A friend exaggerates a story to impress others.
  • A student copies a few answers to avoid failing a test.
  • A coworker takes credit for someone else’s idea to get ahead.
  • Social media moments: Sharing a post that isn’t exactly true to reality to push an agenda, curating a feed to make life look perfect, or sharing a “hot take” just to get likes and comments—even if it’s exaggerated or half-true.

At first, these choices might seem small or even harmless—but each one chips away at integrity and trust, both in ourselves and with others.

Why We Do It

We live in a world built for speed. Fast food, microwaves, streaming services, and Google searches give us what we want in seconds. We’ve grown used to quick results without putting in the time or energy. That mindset spills over into bigger decisions, including how we interact online.

An illustration featuring two hands holding a smartphone and an hourglass, surrounded by various icons and clocks, symbolizing the concepts of time management and modern communication.

On social media, we’re tempted to post the perfect picture, share a story that’s a little exaggerated, or jump on the latest trend—all for likes, comments, or followers. We want quick wins without doing the hard work. Instant gratification, social approval, and fear of failure make it easy to justify shortcuts. You might think: “It’s just this once. No one will know. The outcome matters more than the process.”

What We Lose

When we focus only on the end goal:

Close-up of a textured, abstract sculpture resembling a face, carved from a rough material with deep grooves and a weathered appearance.
  • Stress and guilt creep in, even if no one else notices.
  • Relationships suffer because people sense when honesty is compromised.
  • Our own character erodes, making it harder to act with integrity in bigger decisions.
  • Authenticity online: Constantly editing reality or seeking approval can leave us feeling empty, disconnected, or anxious.

Even small compromises in everyday life matter because they shape how we show up for ourselves and others.

How to Make Better Choices

You don’t need to be perfect—but you can start noticing the small ways you might justify shortcuts:

  1. Pause and Reflect: Before posting, sharing, or acting, ask, “Does this align with who I want to be?”
  2. Value the Process: Celebrate effort, honesty, and learning, not just likes, promotions, or external approval.
  3. Talk it Out: Share dilemmas with friends or mentors who can offer honest perspective.
  4. Lead by Example: Small acts of honesty encourage others to do the same—online and offline.

It’s not about avoiding every mistake—it’s about being intentional and letting your values guide the choices you make.

A Simple Truth

A winding path through a lush green forest, illuminated by soft sunlight filtering through the trees.

The truth is, the path you take matters as much as where you end up. A shortcut might get you results, but it won’t give you peace, respect, or trust. Choosing integrity—especially in everyday moments, including how we interact online—builds a life that feels as good as it looks.

Because in the end, the little choices we make every day, online and offline, shape the person we become far more than any big win ever could.

References

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™

WordPress AI. (2025, November). Image generated using WordPress AI [AI-generated image]. WordPress. https://wordpress.com

Machiavelli, N. (2024). The Prince (Kindle ed., ASIN B096G1N2YN). True Sign Publishing House Private Limited. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B096G1N2YN

🩵 Explaining vs. Over-Explaining — Holding Your Space from the Inside Out

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn balancing faith, Belonging, Communication, Faith Tensions, Identity, Relationships, Repairer of Broken WallsLeave a comment

Part of the “Regulation from the Inside Out” Series

Have you ever found yourself giving a long explanation to a simple question?

Someone asks, “Why did you do it that way?” — and before you know it, you’re replaying every step in your head, feeling like you’ve done something wrong, or as if you’re in trouble. You might even feel the urge to shrink or disappear, wishing you could just run and hide. Then you start explaining every detail, reassuring them you meant no harm, and finishing with, “I just wanted to make sure you understood.”

Most of us have been there. Beneath that moment isn’t just chatter — it’s an unconscious reaction to not feeling safe. Over-explaining is how the nervous system tries to find peace — in this case, by seeking approval from others.

When Explaining Becomes Over-Explaining

Over-explaining often begins as a nervous system response, not a personality trait. When we feel unsettled — like we might have done something wrong or that others might judge us — we may feel a need to prove ourselves, not just to others, but even to ourselves.

Over time, the body can learn to link calm with approval, so we work hard to earn it.

The belief might sound like:

  • “I don’t want to upset anyone.”
  • “If they misunderstand, I’ll lose connection.”
  • “If they’re not okay with me, I’m not okay.”

Many of these patterns start early — moments when safety felt tied to how well we could explain ourselves or avoid blame. Childhood experiences or relational wounding can teach us that being seen comes with risk. Over time, an unconscious lens can form: we begin to feel that our presence is a burden, that we’re in the way, or that we shouldn’t take up space.

As adults, those same triggers still show up. We seek internal stability, often by over-explaining, trying to earn the approval we think we’ve lost. Beneath it all, there’s sometimes a quiet tension: a mix of wanting to be seen but fearing we’re too much. This tension can make us shrink, speak too much, or justify ourselves unnecessarily.

How the Nervous System Responds

When the nervous system feels threatened, we react in several ways:

  • Fight: explaining or defending to prove we’re right.
  • Flight: withdrawing, shutting down, or avoiding the situation.
  • Freeze: staying quiet and agreeable to avoid rejection.
  • Fawn: people-pleasing, over-accommodating, or saying “yes” to avoid conflict or gain approval.

But what if being misunderstood isn’t a threat?
What if it’s an opportunity to stay rooted in peace instead of rushing to prove yourself?

Regulating Before You Respond

Over-explaining lessens when we learn to regulate from the inside out:

  • Notice your body: the quickened heartbeat, the tension in your chest, the urge to jump in and justify.
  • Pause before reacting: breathe, unclench your jaw, feel your feet on the ground.
  • Reframe your thoughts: shift from “I have to prove myself” to “I can be present without over-explaining.”
  • Stay grounded: remember that your value and presence don’t depend on others’ approval but on God’s.

Learning to Take Up Space

Being present isn’t arrogance; it’s honoring the life God gave you. Your voice, your presence, and your space all matter.

When you notice yourself rambling or over-explaining, pause and check in with yourself: silently remind yourself, “I don’t need to defend myself. My presence matters as it is.”

This doesn’t mean you stop listening or reflecting — it means holding your space even when it feels uncomfortable. Over time, practicing this helps you move from anxious over-explaining to confident, grounded presence, honoring both humility and the value of your voice.

Reflection

Next time you feel the rush to explain, pause and ask yourself:

  • “What am I trying to make safe right now — the situation, or my own sense of belonging?”
  • “Can I stay grounded even in the discomfort of being misunderstood?”

Affirmation: I don’t have to over-explain to be understood. I can hold my space and stay calm, even when it feels uncomfortable.

Coming Next: When Sorry Becomes a Habit — Healing from Over-Apologizing

Knowing Yourself from the Inside Out

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Belonging, Biblical Reflections, Communication, Decision Making, Identity, Relationships, Repairer of Broken Walls, Responsibility, Self Care1 Comment

Part of the “Regulation from the Inside Out” Series

Introduction

Our emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations are more than just experiences—they are signals that tell us something important about who we are and what we value. Paying attention to these signals can help us understand our beliefs, guide our choices, and improve our relationships with others. Let’s explore how these internal cues help us identify our values, regulate ourselves, and connect with others more effectively.

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.“ – (Zondervan, 2000, Psalm 139:23-24).

This verse reminds us that God invites us to examine our inner world—our emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations—so we can understand ourselves more fully and live in alignment with His guidance.

1. What Your Heart Tells You

Emotions often reveal what truly matters to us:

  • Feeling upset when someone is treated unfairly may signal that justice and fairness are core values for you.
  • Feeling proud when helping someone may indicate that compassion and service are central to your beliefs.

Research by Strachan et al. (2025) explains that emotions act as a self-regulatory system. They signal when our actions align—or don’t align—with our values and identity.

Practical Tip: Keep a small journal to note emotional reactions during your day. Ask yourself: What does this emotion reveal about what I care about most? Don’t be afraid to dig deeper, asking “Why?” until you get to the core belief.

  • Me: “It feels good to help others.”
  • Why does it feel good to help others?”
  • Answer: “Because I feel like I’m making a difference.”
  • Why is making a difference important to me?”
  • Answer: “Because I want to be someone who contributes to others’ well-being.”
  • Why do I want to contribute to others’ well-being?”
  • Answer: “Because I value kindness and being meaningful in the lives of others.”

Insight: This emotion is pointing to my core value: valuing kindness and making a positive impact.

2. Inside Out: Identity in Action

Bodily sensations—tight shoulders, racing heart, or a sense of calm—also communicate information about our values and beliefs. Lu et al. (2025) found that how we perceive our bodies is closely tied to our sense of self. For example:

  • Tension or discomfort during a choice might indicate conflict with your values.
  • Feeling relaxed or energized during certain activities often shows alignment with what truly matters to you.

Practical Tip: Pause during stressful or important moments to notice what your body is telling you. Are there areas of tension or sensations of ease? Reflect on how these relate to your values.

3. The Self as Garden: Cultivating Awareness Through Emotion, Thought, and Sensation

Emotions and bodily sensations rarely exist in isolation—they interact with our thoughts. Thoughts can amplify, diminish, or interpret what we feel in our bodies. For example:

  • Feeling anxious about a conversation may be intensified if your thoughts assume the worst.
  • Feeling joy during a kind act is enhanced when you reflect on the positive impact of your behavior.

By noticing the interplay between thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations, you gain insight into your core beliefs, values, and identity. This awareness also supports self-regulation: understanding the roots of our emotions helps us respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.

Emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations together act as both a mirror and a compass—reflecting who we are and guiding us toward choices that are authentic and value-driven.

Practical Tip: When strong emotions arise, pause and ask: What is this feeling telling me about what I believe or value? How does it reflect who I am at my core? What thoughts are influencing how I feel and respond?

4. The Awareness Advantage: Building Stronger Bonds Through Self-Knowledge

Recognizing your internal signals not only helps you understand yourself but also improves how you relate to others. This connects to ideas from Tone, Timing, and Truth: Choosing Words that Connect. Just as words, tone, and body language can build bridges or create walls, being aware of your emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations allows you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

For example:

  • Feeling tension when someone challenges your perspective may indicate a core value is being triggered. Pausing to notice this before speaking allows you to respond calmly and clearly.
  • Feeling ease or warmth in a conversation can signal alignment with shared values, helping you reinforce connection and collaboration.

By combining self-awareness with mindful communication—paying attention to thoughts, emotions, body signals, tone, and timing—you can foster dialogue, avoid misunderstandings, and build stronger, more authentic relationships.

Practical Tip: Before responding in a challenging conversation, check in with yourself: Which of my values is being triggered, what thoughts are influencing my emotions, and how can I respond in a way that reflects my principles while respecting the other person?

Conclusion

Emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations are powerful tools for discovering your core values and beliefs. By paying attention to them, you can:

  • Understand yourself better
  • Make value-driven choices
  • Respond thoughtfully in relationships
  • Communicate with clarity and empathy

Cultivating this awareness creates a clearer sense of who you are and how you want to show up in the world.

What patterns do you notice in your thoughts, emotions, or bodily reactions that reveal your core values, and how could this awareness guide your actions and relationships moving forward?

References

Lu, J., Riecke, L., Ryan, B. E., & de Gelder, B. (2025). The contribution of body perception to self-identity: An event-related potential study. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 20(1), nsaf020. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsaf020

Strachan, S. M., Vega, V. Z., Kullman, S. M., Yarema, A., Dobrovolskyi, M., & Patson, C. (2025). Explaining the self-regulatory role of affect in identity theory: The role of self-compassion. British Journal of Health Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjhp.12783

Zondervan. (2000). The NIV Study Bible (10th Anniversary ed.). Zondervan.

The Treasure Hunt

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

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artwork by K Virginia Bond

Ever have one of those stop and think kind of encounters. That happened to me today. I was running late and was frustrated with myself because I had forgotten to pick up the “treasures” for our Children’s Church Treasure Hunt happening this morning.  I considered making out little coupons saying you are entitled to a treasure next week.  However, since I drive right past the Dollar Store on my way to church, I made a last minute decision to turn in to the parking lot and go on a quick treasure hunt of my own. Not sure exactly what I’m looking for but I know that I sort of have a loose rule that candy and junk shouldn’t be rewards for children and was fighting with myself regarding just picking up a bag of lollipops or some sour worms that I’m sure the children would have eagerly thought was a treasure.  As I’m quickly walking towards the children’s book aisle, my eyes spot a row of a variety of different flashcards (division, addition, colors, words, etc). I make another split minute decision to grab a bunch of them, after all they’re educational and not candy or junk. I’m feeling pretty good thinking I made a great score!!  Walking up to the checkout, I notice that there is no one there and immediately become frustrated thinking I was going to stand at the checkout for a while waiting for the cashier to notice me. The young lady shows up at the check out and slowly gets all the bags prepared to take the new found treasures.  While she’s carefully arranging these bags, I’m hard at work trying to fight the urge to let her know that I’m in a bit of hurry.  I mean, really, couldn’t she tell by how fast I had been walking and although I was in my polite businesslike zone shouldn’t she have known that I was on a mission.  Well, she slowly looks at each box of flash cards and runs them through the register one by one. After running a few through she stops and REALLY looks at a box and runs it through again. Well, being the very attentive shopper that I am, I notice that she’s not putting anything in the bag. She calmly looks at me holds up a box of Winnie the Pooh cards and says “This isn’t for sale.” I look at her for a second trying to comprehend what she was saying and she says “I can’t sell these to you.”  I finally respond with the equally intelligent statement “but I got it off your shelf with the others.” She looks from me to the box and back at the register.  She shrugs and matter of  factly states, “It says they can’t be purchased.” and places it on the counter behind her. At this point, I find my mouth opening to argue with her but remember our recent Bible Study lesson regarding emotions and behaviors. So I shot her a glance and say “I’ll run back and grab another one.”

As I get in my car with my ONE bag not the multiple bags that she had so carefully prepared, I’m congratulating myself for not letting my frustration with her rule my behavior. This satisfaction was short lived, however, as I was reminded that I was the one who had not taken the time to be sure that I had everything I needed for children’s church. Had I been more responsible I wouldn’t have been rushing at the last minute.  On my drive to church, my mind wanders back to our Tuesday Night Bible Study homework assignment.  We were supposed to identify our feelings and try to trace them back to our belief system. I’m feeling just a little smug that this will be a perfect example to share.  After all, I did catch myself before acting out in a “non-christian” way.

As I’m thinking this through, I was surprised and appalled at myself not for what I expected, frustration with my own sense of failure. While that was a part of it, it wasn’t the whole problem.  I discovered that although I was frustrated with myself, my frustration was really directed at the cashier.. I realized that with her tattoos and overall appearance, I had judged her to be someone that didn’t care about her job. As I thought about it, I realized there was no evidence to support my subconscious conclusion. Upon walking into the store, I had been vaguely aware of someone stocking shelves close to the front of the store. However, I had assumed that since there was no one at the check out, I would have to wait for someone to notice me. In fact, though, I had hardly arrived at the checkout and she was there. She must have been stocking shelves close by so she could quickly wait on customers. As I thought about it, it is quite possible that she really didn’t take that long setting up the checkout and maybe she had to wait a second for the register to boot up. If anything the evidence suggested that I misjudged her. Not only did I misjudge her, I viewed myself as having a more important agenda than hers. Ouch, I’m not like that or am I!?

In our busy lives we rarely take the time to recognize what our emotions are telling us.  It’s easy to brush aside or justify our emotions and behaviors.  But doing so just keeps us repeating the same old patterns, changing nothing.  Slowing down to examine our behaviors and emotions, helps us to gain understanding into our actions and can produce real change.  Really had I not examined my emotions, I would have gone about my day being frustrated.  I would have remained angry with myself and with an inaccurate negative perception of the cashier.  Now, I can’t say this enough: Had I not traced my behavior back to emotions back to my automatic thoughts back to my core beliefs, I would continue to make the same assumptions in the future.

I was responding to life through a set of core beliefs that I didn’t realize were still operating in my life.  Mainly that performance equals self-worth.  I was frustrated with myself that I had forgotten to do something.  My performance did not meet my standards which caused me to beat myself up.  As I think about past performance failures, I think of the many times I vowed to do better but any attempts to change were short lived behavioral strategies that didn’t result in real change.

Perhaps even more important, was that I was basing someone else’s worth on my core belief that people have to meet certain standards to be acceptable.  Now in all honesty, I know better and had anyone said anything negatively about someone’s outward appearance or job position, I would likely be one of the first to come to their rescue.  However, when my guard was down, my subconscious belief system was in control.  Without slowing down and looking at my emotions and thoughts, I would never have realized that I was responding to her tattoos and cultural stereotypes.  Our minds are so complex that multiple processes are happening at one time.    There were many things that my mind was taking in that I wasn’t consciously registering.  For instance, while I was in the store, I didn’t even think about her having tattoos . It wasn’t until later while I was driving and thinking about it all that I thought about her tattoos.  What I was focused on was my own agenda and those things that seemed to support my mood.  That is, her slowly preparing the bags, taking her time to scan each box individually, ect.  It was only by purposely processing my emotions and behaviors that I recognized my subconscious at work.  ‘Unfortunately, we often make quick judgements without wondering why.  Again, failure to recognize our emotions decreases the likelihood of real change.

Recognizing false beliefs that rule our behaviors is only a part of the change process.   Replacing these false beliefs with truth is also necessary.  For instance, self worth does not come from performance or being accepted.  No, for me self-worth comes only from recognizing that before my feet hit the floor in the morning, God sent His Son to pay the price for my sins so that I could spend eternity with Him in heaven.

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