Category: Forgiveness

Blessings or Privileges

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn balancing faith, Decision Making, Faith Tensions, Forgiveness, Grace, Relationships, Repairer of Broken Walls, Responsibility, Uncategorized3 Comments

I am so blessed, definitely in a privileged kind of way. I don’t have to worry about being put in a position of having to do my job at the risk of taking someone’s life. I don’t have to contemplate the possibility of having to make a quick life or death decision that determines if someone goes home to hug their family or leaves in a body bag. I don’t have to wonder when I leave for work, if this is the last day that I will hug my family or wake up beside my partner.  I don’t have to wonder if today I’m going to be targeted because of the uniform, I put on. 

I believe that the vast majority of Law Enforcement Officers (LEO) are good people doing their jobs.  Men and women who have signed up for the job aware of the dangers and yet willing to accept the risks.  For most of these officers the rewards outweigh the risks.  What rewards? I suspect that most, if not all, LEOs have or develop a protective heart.  Meaning they are in the position because they value keeping loved ones safe and their heart calls them to do so on a societal scale.  Some of the officers with whom I have spoken personally report from their earliest memories they dreamed of being a police officer and putting the “bad guys” in jail. Not for the sake of putting the bad guys in jail as much as for keeping good people safe.  Other officers have described growing up in dysfunctional homes where they were often subjected to domestic violence situations often witnessing a parent (usually mom), siblings or other loved ones being beaten up by another parent, parental figure, sibling etc.  These officers grew up knowing how this felt and developed a desire to want to make it all stop.  Some officers grew up in safe environments and just have a desire to create safe spaces for others.  

Are there some in it for the money and benefits? Perhaps but I think there might be safer ways to make money or build a retirement. Perhaps in small relatively safe communities like the one I live there might be some of that. In these areas, well-paying jobs or opportunities to make a healthy living may well be limited making LE a viable “safe” option.  I believe even these young men and women develop an identify around the “job”.  This identity speaks to professionalism, pride in their societal role.  Are there some law enforcement officers who might have become disillusioned with the job or who might have let the authority they are vested with go to their head? Sure, human nature does that.  But I believe this is a very small percentage.  The overwhelming majority of LEOs are men and women who just want to go home to hug their families at night.  I wonder, if during this time, officers are experiencing a bit of what our Vietnam Vets experienced when they returned home?  A nation that was turning against them.  Is this what we are doing to our law enforcement officers?  

            I am so blessed, in a privileged kind of way- that I have never had to talk to my sons or daughters about the dangers of life due to skin color.  I have never left a job interview wondering if the color of my skin would determine whether I would get hired.  Upon being hired, I never had to defend myself against comments that I only got the job because of the color of my skin.  I have never had to worry about not being welcome in a community I choose to live because of the color of my skin.   I can look at the current news and decide to turn it off and go about my daily life as normal.  I can see the news and watch the videos of Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, Tamir Rice and think how horrific these incidents are never giving a thought that it could happen to me, my children or one of my loved ones. 

            Just as there are bad cops there are bad protesters. How do we navigate the tension between supporting our law enforcement and supporting those who have suffered historical trauma on a grand scale?  How do we answer those who say that the looters and rioters are not protesting their lived experiences?  I think of individuals that I have counseled who have experienced trauma and will have a melt-down weeks, months, or even years later that seemingly have nothing to do with the original trauma.  Yet, where else would such rage, such destructive behavior come?  Are some of the protesters manipulating the situation?  Yes, again that is human nature. However, I have to believe that most of the protesters are individuals who have lived in a system that has denied their voice. 

            So often we confuse Class Privilege with White Privilege.    First, we need to start with the word that triggers many of us: ‘privilege.”  Privilege is generally viewed as being given something for nothing, it’s unearned.  That is largely, true.  Class privilege is what most of us did NOT grow up with.  Class privilege is not having to worry about being able to afford a place to live, not having to worry about attending the university of my choice due to financial constraints, not having to worry about the ability to borrow money knowing that I have assets enough to back my requested loan at a very low interest.  Often times, if not always, class privilege is related to your family name.  It comes with the ability to do certain things without worry about financial restraints.  All races experience class privilege.  However, there are a disproportionate number of people of color who experience the upper levels of class privilege. We have to ask ourselves why!  

So, when white people hear the term “white privilege” they say, “I worked hard for everything I have. No one gave me anything,” the underlying unverbalized thought is “If I can do it so can they!” This doesn’t feel like “privilege” it feels like hard work.  White privilege does not mean that you haven’t experienced challenges.  It doesn’t mean that you haven’t worked hard for everything you have.  What it does mean, however, is that your fight is about the same as most peoples.  You are fighting on the same playing field with the same rules. 

Recognizing your white privilege does not mean that you are racist.  You might be but if you are able to recognize that life has handed you a different set of circumstances because of the color of your skin you might really not be racist.  It’s what you do with that knowledge that determines whether an individual is racist or not.  Refusing to acknowledge it, denying that it exists is an act of racism because it allows the system to continue even though it is unfair.  If you recognize white privilege but refuse to change the system because it benefits you it’s probably racism.  Refusing to recognize that being white is an advantage is white privilege.  White privilege although it involves current events is really more about the past and how the past has affected the present.  This short video may help to explain it:  

How does this play out in current national events?  There are systemic issues that have brought on the current conflict seemingly between law enforcement officers and protesters.  The real fight is not between individual members of either group but between POWER and powerlessness. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” ( Eph. 6:12 NIV)  Do I wish police brutality didn’t exist?  A resounding YES! Do I wish that protests could all be peaceful demonstrations?  A resounding YES! The issue is not about individual law enforcement officers and individual protesters but about a system that sets up conflict.  I believe most of us will agree that law enforcement officers are simply trying to do the job they have been charged with which is to keep our cities and towns safe. But within this ONE job, they are expected to wear many hats: protecter, soldier, social worker, EMT, etc. Again, do I wish that it never resulted in police brutality?  YES!  By the same token, I, also, believe that most of the protesters are hard working, compassionate individuals simply trying to have their voices heard.  Again, do I wish that they would do so in peaceful demonstrations?  YES! However, how has that worked for them over the past 30 years? It is NOT an us against them situation!

My heart is heavy as I recognize my own privileged blessings and yet I feel guilty for all of these blessings.  Maybe that is because these privileged blessings are more about responsibility towards others rather than a gift from God.  When I typically think of being blessed by God, I think that it is a gift received without expectation for action.  However, Psalm 67: 1-2 states, “May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face shine on us—so, that your ways may be known on earth, your salvation among all nations” (NIV).  If we are blessed or in this case privileged, I believe that God expects us to use these blessings to make his ways known on earth, his salvation among all nations.  It carries with it an opportunity to be the mind, heart, hands and feet of Christ to a broken world.  How do we answer those who rightly say that in my lifetime I have benefited from white privilege and I have been complacent?  Have I been complacent?  Has my complacency resulted in a system of racism?  I like to think that I have spoken out against such things, but have I done enough?  I think not, and yet I remain at a loss of knowing what more to do.  How do we live out Psalm 67?  It is not for the faint of heart.  

Forgiveness: Healthy or Unhealthy

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Faith Tensions, Forgiveness, Uncategorized1 Comment

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photo of Grand Canyon by Bentley E. McQuinn

Forgiveness is something everyone feels they deserve but most of us at one time or another have struggled with offering it.

Forgiveness can healthy or it can be unhealthy.  Forgiveness is healthy when it involves the releasing of anger & emotional hurt. The outcome allows one to move forward in life.

How can forgiveness be unhealthy? When it is more of sweeping things under the carpet & pretending that the relationship is okay. Healthy forgiveness has a component of recognizing how a relationship has been damaged. Moving forward in the relationship may involve a form of accountability. It may involve you going to the other party to discuss the issue. If they refuse to engage in a discussion or they try to go on as if nothing has happened, it may be time to recognize the limits of this relationship in your life.

The Bible states that as much as it depends on you & is possible to live at peace with your “brothers & sisters” (Rom. 12:18).  To me this means taking responsibility for your part and offering restitution where needed and possible.  It doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be a doormat for someone else’s dirt to be a constant irritation in your life. Psalm 58:4 says some people have the venom of a snake. Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying within striking range.

When you’ve been a disappointment

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Forgiveness, Grace, Responsibility, Self CareLeave a comment

tiger swallowtail on a yellow lantana.
Photo by Dr. Martin LaBar

It’s easy to let someone’s expectations of us affect our self-esteem.  If our self-esteem is determined by what others think of us, we are likely to be on a roller coaster ride of emotions.  But as the caterpillar is transformed into a beautiful butterfly, so too are we.

What do we do when others are disappointed in us? We typically withdraw, lash out or quietly take it while our minds race with “how dare they” types of thoughts.  But could there be another way of dealing with it?

Certainly, a self-examination to see if there is a valid reason for someone to be disappointed is a first step.  When we have truly let someone down,  withdrawing or lashing out at them only makes us appear immature. Unfortunately, it may be the automatic defense mechanism that activates when we feel “less than.”  It seems more comfortable to give the other person a litany of reasons why we failed which really only serves to minimize our role or to avoid responsibility.  Which in turns leaves the other person feeling unheard or criticized and robs us of the opportunity to regain their respect.  The simplest response would be to admit failure.  It is what it is.  No one is perfect. Reminding ourselves that we are more than this one failure.

Sometimes people are disappointed with us due to their own unmet needs.  It’s unlikely that they are going to be able to recognize that their disappointment  has anything to do with them.  Our reaction though has everything to do with us.  Again a time of self-evaluation is in order.  What we often find is the root cause of our poor response can be found in low self-esteem.

A right view of who we are comes from realizing that “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8 NIV).  Meaning before we even had “it” together, Christ sought us out and wanted us to spend eternity with him.  Beyond that (as if that isn’t enough) the Bible is rich in the historical account of those who have failed and, yet, God saw fit to use in spite of their failures.

Moses is a prime example.  Exodus tells us of Moses failing his adoptive family and his people, the Israelites.  He lashed out in anger and retreated to the wilderness in fear.  I suspect that he was a confused man who was severely disappointed with himself.  When God first called Moses, Moses hid his face (Ex. 3).  In Exodus 4 Moses fears that the Israelites wouldn’t listen to him and he says that he is slow of speech.  Even though Moses was raised in the palace, nothing in him exudes self-confidence.  Going forward in Moses life, the Israelites frequently turned against him, expressing their disappointment with him (Numbers 14).  In Numbers 20, Moses does fail and will be prevented from seeing the Promised Land because of it. Yet God used him, in spite of his failures and the failures of the Israelites.  Moses didn’t always get it right.  Yet as he grew in faith he learned to deal with those who criticized him and wanted him stoned. He frequently interceded for them, even to offering his life for theirs (Exodus 32, Numbers 14, 16, & 21).  Moses was an ordinary person who was able to do extraordinary things in spite of other’s disappointment with him.  Every day is an opportunity for you to be extraordinary.

The CARE Model of Decision Making

On By Broken Walls Crushed SidewalksIn Decision Making, Forgiveness, Prayer2 Comments

I didn’t decide to start a blog because there aren’t already enough good blogs out there. There are. In fact, I almost decided not to start a blog because there are already so many good ones out there. I didn’t decide to become a blogger because I don’t have enough already going on in my life. I most certainly do. Again, I almost decided not to start this blog because I am too busy already.

No, I decided to become a blogger because as a woman I find it very difficult to balance life with “life.” I suspect there are others out there feeling many of the same stressors as they strive to balance their lives as well. As a Christian, wife, mother, grandmother (with 2 special needs grandchildren), sister, aunt, friend, Pastor’s Wife, therapist, etc. I sometimes feel pulled in so many directions that my balance gets off-center. Now some may choose to stop right there and say ‘as a Christian, God should always be the center that balances it all.’ In my reasoning mind, I would agree with these people 100%. In my practical lived out life because God is 100% in all areas of life and can’t be separated from it all there is tension between all the roles that I live. There are times that I must choose between attending the funeral of a close friend’s father with taking time off from work which would mean fewer vacation days to visit with my adult children/grandchildren who live a thousand miles away. Add to this is trying to balance spending time with adult children who have left the faith and announce that they are coming to visit the week before Vacation Bible School and, oh yeah, they’d like you to participate in a special needs walk 5 hours from your home on the last Sunday before VBS?     Recognizing that no matter what you decide to do someone is not going to understand and there is likely to be ‘drama’ surrounding any decision that you make.

Decision making is about caring-caring for yourself and others. I recognize that most decisions do not reach the crisis level.  However, the first rule of dealing with a crisis to care for yourself first and others second can be generalized to decision making. I know that putting yourself first goes against what many think is the ‘Christian way.’ But as a friend recently pointed out, ‘Jesus said to “Love your neighbors as yourself” implies that we have to first love ourselves. There is a difference between caring for yourself and being selfish.  I’m advocating for self-care not selfishness.

The CARE Model of Decision Making

  1. Learn to be Content in the decisions you make. Second guessing is human nature and generally comes after the fact. You act out your decision and then think “What if I’d done . . .” or perhaps new information comes out after the fact.  Information that had you known before hand would have caused you to have made a different decision. Being content is understanding that you made the best decision you could at the time.
  2. Accept that you can’t be all things to all people. At best, you can be something to someone. Let go of the idea that you are ever going to please everyone or in many cases even the majority. Learn to be okay that someone thinks differently and may even be upset with you. Choose not to dwell on the idea that Aunt Junifred is upset that you didn’t take time off from work to take her to get groceries.
  3. Recognize that the very nature of having to make a decision means having to make choices. Not everyone will make the same choices that you make but you wouldn’t make the same choices that they make. And it’s okay. Don’t make your choices based on trying to live up to some idealized standard.
  4. Experiences Your experiences and accomplishments are first and foremost part of your journey. As you travel your journey, others will benefit from your experiences but they will also have experiences of their own that lead them on their own journey; a journey separate from yours. As Christians, I wonder if we don’t sometimes err in love by making decisions somewhat based on someone else’s response and thereby creating a hindrance to their growth. Just because someone makes changes in their life due to a decision you made doesn’t mean  your decision was bad, no matter how upset they become. Don’t let the joy of what you’ve experienced be diminished by feeling guilty due to inability to meet unrealistic standards.

Now I know it’s one thing to agree with these principles and quite another to live them out. Living them out means retraining your mind (Romans 12:2) and takes time and practice. Be gentle with yourself as you develop new principles for decision making.

Next blog:  The best choices are made when you recognize life experiences that have brought you to this place and values you want to build your life around. (more about this in the next blog)